In the Goodbye of Things

Well kiddos, we're down to one more day. One day until momma boards a plane and heads across the ocean to visit your Uncle Michael and his family. You and me, we've been counting down for awhile now. You've been counting down the days with dread, I've been counting them down with a pretty even mixture of all-out excitement and full-on anxiety.

I've never been away from you all for so long before. Nine whole days without kissing your cheeks, holding your hand, feeling one or the other or all of you pressed up against me as we read our stories. It's going to be so strange not having direct access to the physical beings of you, and I will miss it. I miss you all already, and I have a direct line of vision on three out of the four of you as I write this. Your little brother is out of my eyesight sleeping, but I know shortly I will hear his sweet little boy voice calling out my name to come free his tiny, still-warm, bed-headed body out of his crib-cage.

And it is in this place of expectation and facing the unknown of what lies before me that I wanted to write down some of my thoughts. In my head I know that there is a 99.9% chance that nothing unforeseen will happen while I am away, but there is still that 0.1% chance that my heart just won't let go of, and I need to allow myself to walk through that fear and let you see what it looks like for me to do so.

First and foremost, I want you to know that I could never, ever leave you without knowing that you would have the very best care in my absence. I am leaving you with your father. He's a better mother to you than I am at times. I am beyond grateful to him for the love he shows all of you every single day, and I know that when I am not here over the next week and a half you will not be lacking one bit in the area of snuggles, and laughter, and adoration, and fun. He's a good father to you, it's just in his very marrow to be so.

But even more importantly than leaving you physically in good care, I want you to know that I could never, ever leave you without knowing that no matter what happens, no matter even if my worst fears are realized, I will absolutely see you again. And I know this with complete certainty because I am also leaving you in the loving care of our Father in heaven.

You see, leaving you with no guarantees that everything will go just as I have planned has left me really evaluating if what I believe, and if what I have been teaching you to believe, is true. I've had to ask myself if I honestly do believe that the God of the Bible, the God I love, the God I worship, is really who he says he is. I've had to dig down deep and discover for myself if I trust him when he promises that he only does good for those of us who love him, and that he has a plan for all of us, a plan to prosper and not to harm us. I needed to realize for myself that his promise to always be with me, and with you, is more than just words but the deliberate and faithful action of the living God. I needed to fully understand and ask myself if I believe in the very center of my core that my God is unchanging, and sovereign, and faithful to all generations, and is a God who once he holds you in his grasp is totally unwilling to ever let you go.

And after a lot of thought, and a lot of reflection, I can tell you with 100% honesty that if the answer to any of the above questions was a resounding 'No', there is no way I would be getting on that plane tomorrow. There is no way I could ever leave you, my most treasured possessions, without knowing that you are being watched over and cared for by a God who is who he claims to be... the most powerful, most holy, most loving, most high God. Kiddos, He is with you. He is with me. He will be with all of us over the next ten days. And that will never, can never change. He is real. He is good. He holds the whole world in his hands and has complete control over it all. He also does things that I will never understand or comprehend, things that I think are all wrong, but you know what? My lack of understanding and my questioning his actions doesn't change him. He cannot be changed. He is who he says he is. He is God. The Creator. The Crucified. The Risen Lord. The Was, and Is, and Is To Come. And that is who I am leaving my babies with, and what gives me the assurance that I will always see my babies again.

So, my loves. I'm planning on seeing you again after a wonderfully fantastic trip to Belgium where I will return with grand stories of lands beyond and beautiful pictures that your Aunt Emily will probably have taken because I'm terrible with a camera and loads and loads of chocolate eggs with toys inside. But, just in case, a few parting thoughts:

Be kind. Be kind to each other, be kind to your elders, be kind to your friends, and more importantly be kind to those who are not being very kind to you. Kindness will take you so much further in life than being driven, or being physically attractive, or having a great talent. Kindness is the key to everything in this life that is worth holding on to.

On a related note, don't be afraid of the differences in others. Look for the things that are different from you in someone and when you find them, celebrate them. Learn from them. Cherish them, because the differences are all a part of God's perfect design. Remember that it doesn't matter what people look like, or who they love, or if they react to situations and circumstances differently than you. In the Bible, when the Pharisees asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was, when they asked him what the one thing was they were to do that trumped all the others, Jesus very simply commanded them to love the Lord with all their heart and soul, and to love their neighbor as themselves. Children, if you heed these words everything else will be just semantics. It will all fall away. Just love, my children. Be kind, and love. You'll win the whole world if you do, and the one that follows.

Third, find out for yourself that God is real. He is, I promise you. And you know your momma doesn't promise much. But I want you to have this journey of discovery for yourselves. My own journey was curvy, and I backtracked, and I went off the path a lot, but he was faithful. He let me fall away, and then let me find him when I was ready to see him for who he was. He honored my heartfelt desire to know him, not just know about him. He saw through all my mistakes and misgivings to my heart that was searching for him and asking him to make himself real. He was there with me the whole time, but he wanted me to fight to see him. I can feel him near now. He hasn't left me since. He's worth the finding, that is one more promise I can make to you.

Lastly, just know you are loved. There is nothing any of you could ever do or could ever be that would ever change the love your father and I have for you. You are our be all and end all. You are our gifts, our hearts, our everything. I hope you can feel in your very bones my whole heart in those words, because it is there, exploding with the depth and meaning behind them.

I guess that's it for now. I'm off to do some last minute packing and laundry and then it's off to pile all of you in the car to run a few last minute errands. Momma needs her Diet Coke, you know. Some things about me will never change, either. :)

So this will be goodbye for now. I look forward to seeing you on the other side. It's going to be great.

All my heart always,
Momma

Jesus In My Minivan

My dearest Eliza,

I want to tell you something. Actually, I'm going to tell you a story. It's nothing you don't already know, seeing as it happened to you, but it's something I need to write down here so that it is never forgotten. I never want to forget it, and I surely don't want it to ever become just an ancient part of your history.

Two nights ago it was a typical Monday night around these parts. Your Dad had gotten home from the farm with about 30 seconds to spare before you, me, and Dana rushed out the door for our weekly Bible Study Fellowship. I noticed you had taken with you one of the laminated cards from Sunday School which had the verses you were supposed to be memorizing typed upon it. We were also memorizing these verses at home for school, and you were doing a really good job of committing them to memory. The Scripture passage on the card was this one:

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

You read the card over a couple times, asked me if you could read it to me once, and then again. And then when you were making one more pass at it the most awesome thing that will ever happen to you in your entire life happened to you. And I had the privilege of witnessing it.

Honey, Jesus came and plunked himself right down next to you in that car and introduced himself.

As I was watching you in the rear view mirror, I can't even explain it, but there was suddenly a change in your whole demeanor. You went from just reciting your memory verse to emphatically telling me how much you love Jesus, and how you'll never stop loving Jesus, and how you wanted to tell him that right now. So I encouraged you to do so, and when I looked back at you again there you were, eyes closed tight, hands clasping each other, smiling the brightest smile, face tilted up towards the sky talking to Jesus like you two were the only people in the world. After you said amen, your eyes met mine in the rear view mirror and the pure joy that radiated out of them could have only come straight from inside your soul. For the rest of the ride you kept telling me, over and over again, how you have never been so happy, and how this was the best day of your life. For the most part I kept quiet and simply told you how happy I was that you were so happy, partly because the moment was just so much bigger than me, and partly because I didn't want to put my measly human words to what you were experiencing. I wanted you to just live in that moment and to get as much out of it as you could without it being explained and rationalized away.

You literally skipped into BSF that night, and while we were singing the introductory hymns you told me once more how happy you were. And I knew by the look on your face that it had nothing to do with anything I had done, or anything anyone else had done. There was only one reason for that look in your eyes. That was 'Jesus Joy', sweet girl.

That night before you went to bed I did make a point of talking to you about what had happened. I didn't want to say anymore than I needed to, because again it was your experience, and I wanted it to stay yours without me putting my own feelings into your heart. But I did tell you how excited I was about what had happened. I told you that the happiness you had felt that night was a special, true happiness that can only come when Jesus fills your heart. And I told you that I never, ever wanted you to forget that feeling, because that's how Jesus always wants us to feel. He always wants us to experience the pure joy that comes from being in a relationship with him. You nodded and smiled and got excited all over again, and repeated again to me how you had never, ever been that happy before.

Sweetheart, that will surely be one of the most significant moments of your life. My prayer is that this one moment is just the very beginning of a lifetime of moments similar to it. And I can also say in all honesty that other than the day you were born that was hands-down the best parenting moment I have ever had with you. Of course there have been other phenomenal ones, but this day was different. This day God answered my most fervent prayer and fulfilled my deepest desire for you. Since the very day I found out you were a part of my life I have just wanted you to know him. And he reminded me that it is not up to me to make sure that this happens. It is not up to me whether or not you will ever truly love him. I can't force you to want to be in a relationship with him. No, it turns out he doesn't need me for any of that. He already loves you more than I am even capable of, he has chosen you, and he will use a power much greater than my own to call you close to him. And Monday night that power involved using his very own words from his very own Word to soften your heart and open it enough that he could enter in and make his home there. And baby girl, you welcomed him with open arms.

With all the worrying that I do about you kids, that night gave me the freedom to breathe the biggest sigh of relief, because I realized that I really don't need to worry anymore. He has you. He's with you. No matter what happens to you or to me he is never, ever going to leave you. And I think part of the reason that I was allowed to witness what happened with you was his way of gently reminding me of his promise to love you more than I ever could, and assuring me that I can rest easily and peacefully in his faithfulness. Last week we all memorized my favorite verse, and never did it hit so closely to my heart as it did when I repeated it for the first time following this event. In Isaiah 43:1 we are told to "Fear not, I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine". And you are mine, my Liza, but even more so and always and forever you are his.

And this is why I'm recording it here. I'm recording it here for you to look back on someday and hopefully recall that moment and those feelings you had when Jesus first made himself known to you. I'm also recording it here so that anytime I question where he is in your life, anytime I undoubtedly wonder if you really do love him, anytime you do things I don't approve of and I worry if Jesus has been put on the back burner, I can read this over again. I can be brought back to those few minutes in our messy ol' minivan when Jesus was right there with us, making his unmistakable mark on your life. I can hold dear that precious time when he chose to make himself real to you and he let me watch it unfold. I can see in my mind's eye the very moment when my Jesus became your Jesus. May this be just the beginning of an astoundingly, significantly, and eternally beautiful friendship.

Love always, Momma

My Salvation Reflection

Dear Jesus,

As I write this, there is a portion of my heart that just followed Dana and Eliza out the front door and followed them into their school. There is another part hanging out in the bathroom with Cora, listening to her sing "Let It Go" on continuous loop to the Barbie doll she has been swimming around in the sink for the last fifteen minutes. Another part is laying about ten feet in front of me, holding a book upside down, reading to himself in the fleeting baby gibberish that will be replaced with actual words far too quickly for my liking. (You know Jones, the (rather endearing) stinker of the bunch.) And another part of my heart is diligently and patiently teaching Diesel Mechanics to high school boys, probably day-dreaming about an alternate life where he would be shepherding his days away.

But today Lord, and for the last few days, there has been a large part of my thoughts and a part of my heart that has been directly connected to the You that walked this earth 2000 years ago. The You, that walked around among people like me, has been consuming me.

As the years go by, and as you faithfully and gradually reveal yourself to me, this week continues to take on more and more meaning. I find the more I fall in love with you the more I find myself wanting to trail by your side as you journey calmly and resolutely towards your cross. And along that walk with you so many conflicting emotions fall one after another in front of me. And I am forced to wade through each of them if I want to keep up with you, if I want to follow you all the way to the finish line...

Me and the kids have been reading so much these last few days about your last few hours in the garden, about your friend Peter's denial of you, about your friend Judas' betrayal of you, and of the mockery, and the physical abuse, and the complete desertion and hatred of the people who just days before had welcomed you into their city with open arms. And Lord, it's hard for me to swallow that I would have been any of them and and all of them. I am no different from any of these people who treated you with disregard, with complacency, and with utmost contempt. It would have been me, Lord, who would have fallen asleep in the garden after you had asked me to keep you company, as you know all too well how many times I fall asleep even now when we're in the middle of a conversation. It would have been me who denied knowing you to those around me who had seen evidence of our relationship, just like I sometimes catch myself doing today when confronted with my knowledge of you. It would have been me who would have valued material possessions and wealth over you, just like I so nonchalantly do when I buy that new pair of shoes instead of investing my resources in your sick, and your poor, and your hungry. It would have been me, Lord, who fled from your side in fear instead of standing my ground next to you, just like I do today when instead of speaking up and defending you I choose to keep my mouth shut when those around me slander your name.

I am guilty, Lord. I have turned my back on you. I have deserted you. I have spat on and beaten down and discarded our friendship over and over, time and time again. It is my sin that carried you those last few steps to the cross. It is my sin that nailed your hands to that tree. It is my sin that separated you from your Father, your God, and your life. It is my sin that stole your last breath and sent you into hell to endure three days of agony and anguish that you never could have deserved. It was me, dear Jesus, it was me.

And I am so sorry, my Lord. I am so, so sorry.

Yet it is in this place of knowing that there are no words or deeds to reconcile all I did to you, and all you did for me, that the only thing left for me to do is to trust you, and in doing so dive headfirst into your grace. For lack of anything else I can do, I must submerge myself in your promise of deliverance. Because I can't do anything to save you from the suffering you endured, or to save me from the suffering I deserve, I will choose to do the one and only thing that you do ask of me; I will allow myself to be covered in your forgiveness, bundled up and swaddled tight in your compassion, clothed in your unending love. I will let Easter Sunday and your victory over death mean something. I will let it change me. I will let your dying on my behalf not be taken lightly, but carry the weight and gravity it deserves. I will carry your sacrifice past Easter Sunday into the following Monday. I will let your death and resurrection be all that you intended it to be. I will live my life immersed in your mercy and radiating your love because you loved me enough to lay your own life down.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you for letting me walk beside you. Thank you for opening my eyes and breaking my heart for all you went through because of me. Thank you for continuing to deepen my love for you and our relationship with each other. Thank you for the cross, and the grave, and the stone rolled away, and for what that empty tomb means today and everyday after. Thank you for saving me, and for being the kind of Savior whose only desire is to be repaid in love.

I love you.

Happy Easter, my Lord and my King.

In your most holy name I pray,
Amen

First Decade Down

Dear Jason,

I could say that I can't even remember life without you by my side, but I would be lying. Today, on our 10 year anniversary, I can't help but remember what my life was like without you in it, and it makes me instantaneously grateful that you are mine and for this life we have built together.

I revisit my former self, the "me" from a decade ago, and I find her almost unrecognizable. I have changed much over the years, growing and morphing into what I feel is quite a different person. I'm not as selfish as I used to be, but I'm much more of a control freak. I don't need to drag you out every weekend so I can get my social fix satisfied, but instead treasure the meaningful times with you and a few close friends that know me well and love me anyway. I'm not the girl constantly talking your ear off whenever you walk into the room, but rather am content and comfortable in the silences you and I create. The shape of my personality has been honed and tweaked and sculpted and has made me into the person, the mother, and the wife you wake up to every morning.

But for all of me that has changed, for all of the appearing and disappearing of parts of me that either needed to go or needed to shine, there is the one thing in my life that has held constant. Jason, my constant is you.

I look back over these last 10 years and hundreds of pictures and memories wash over me. I remember the heart-breaking losses of your cousin Chris, your grandparents, and my father. I revisit with pride and tenderness the pregnancies, the births, the c-section recoveries and the newborn haze of our four children. I look back with a distinct sense of God's provision and care as I recall moving our family of five into a friends home for eight months while we waded through the process of building our own. And then there were the birthdays and Christmas's and vacations and T-ball games and new puppies and Sunday mornings and Saturday evenings and every other time of day in between. I see all of this, and the best part of it all is that I see all of this with you. You've just always been there. And in this day and age I have to remind myself what a blessing and what a gift your being constant is in my life.

And so today I want to say thank you. Thank you for not only being physically present, but for being my constant emotionally as well. No matter what venture I embark on I never have to question your support, your gentle leadership, and your loyalty to me and to this marriage. It's easy to take you for granted, as you never give me any reason to doubt your commitment to this life we have made together. But I promise to try not to. You truly are a one-of-a-kind find, and it is only by the grace of God that I was the one who found you. Today, on our tenth anniversary, it doesn't escape me for a second how blessed I am. I don't deserve you, but God decided to give you to me anyway. And you remain hands-down the greatest gift in my life.

My prayer for us moving forward is that we continue to seek always the ever-faithful and ever-loving hand and will of God in our life. I pray that as we grow older we grow closer together, and the promise we made to each other so long ago to always love each other and be there for each other continues to solidify with the tests of time. And I pray that if God's will for our children is marriage that he blesses them as he has so richly blessed us, providing our girls with husbands who love them and love the Lord (just like you), and Jones with a wife who loves Jesus and loves her husband from the very depths of her soul (just like me).

I love you now, I'll love you forever, and I'll love you constant.
Me

Storytime

Gather 'round, dear ones. Momma's got a story to tell.

Almost two years ago I was asked by our worship leader at church if I would be willing to contribute to a service they were putting together. They had already approached a musician, a dancer, and a painter, and they wanted me to contribute something in written form. I was to listen to a song and write about how I felt when I heard it. The song was "Beautiful Things" by Gungor, and the first time I played it it instantly buried itself deep in my heart. The song is fantasically amazing. However, at the time I was asked, I was planning on going to a Homeschool Conference in Lansing for the weekend of the service in question, and so I told Moses that even though I was honored to be asked, I would not be able to do it.

Fast forward to the weekend of the service, and it turns out I was home from the conference and was able to be at church that morning. When the portion of the service came that I would have been participating in and the song began to play, I found myself squirming in my seat and feeling very unsettled. I watched these other artists up there using their gifts to glorify God, I witnessed them praising him using the talents he had given them, and I knew instantly I had messed up big time. The truth is, I could have done what was asked of me. I could have found the time. I could have made it work. It would have made me a little more busy, it would have required sacrifice on my part, but I could have made it happen. But instead I had found an excuse not to, and I went about my daily business. I realized right then that I had been called to do something by God and for God, and I had ignored him. I had put myself first. I didn't want to be inconvenienced, so I didn't allow it to happen.

Since that day, almost two years later, I have been plagued by that song, and also plagued by the notion that I missed out on so much blessing because of my disobedience and my selfishness. I would play that song, over and over again, and even though I still loved it just as much as I did the first time I heard it, I could not shake the memory of what I had let happen, and it always left me feeling sad and ashamed. I knew I was forgiven because I had asked to be, but I was also keenly aware of missed blessing and knew that the pain that accompanied it was one of the consequences of my sin. God forgives every single time, but he doesn't always remove the aftermath. Kinda like when you're naughty, and I have to ground you from something that you love. I will always, always forgive you and love you, but you're still going to have to wait until tomorrow to turn that iPod back on.

Well, to make a long story a little less long, I made a vow that the next time I was asked to do anything using my writing at church I was not going to say no. And then I got a phone call about six months ago from someone on the Worship Planning Committee asking me if I would be willing to write out my life story and have it read out loud in front of church while I was seated on the stage. As in, in front of the whole church. While I was up there. In the spotlight. With everyone's eyeballs looking at me. And even though I am terrified of being in front of crowds I felt I had to say yes immediately. Because I knew better than to say no. And so I went ahead and wrote out my story, and went back and forth with the worship leaders a few times to make sure it was the right length, and went to church a few days before the service to have it recorded so they could play it over the sound system, and went home and got properly nervous and nauseous, and didn't sleep the night before because of all the butterflies that had taken up residence in my belly and my throat and my fingers and did I mention all the eyeballs that were going to be looking at me!?!?!?

Anyway. After battling my performance demons that Sunday morning I went to church a little early as I had been requested to do so we could run through the service. I opened the church doors, walked into the sanctuary, and instantly felt like I had been socked in the stomach. But in a shockingly great way. Because guess what song they were rehearsing as I walked in? Guess what song was going to be an integral part of the upcoming service? Guess what song had me bawling two seconds later because of all the redemption and grace that was washing over me? That's right, you guessed it. "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. And it was in that moment that I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing, and God wanted me to know it too. He gave that song back to me that morning. He knew how awful I felt about letting him down before, and he wanted me to know it was okay, and he loved me, and it was time to move on. Which is really ironic, because that's exactly what the song talks about; making beautiful things out of the mess. And that's what he did. He took this mess that was me and my sin and my story, and he made it beautiful for him.

So kids, I'm going to include a couple of things here for you. The first is a link to "Beautiful Things", because it's awesome and you need to hear it, and internalize it, and believe what it says about God and about you. He'll make you beautiful if you let him. Pinky-swear.

The second is the story that I wrote for church. Because, as always, I just want you to know me. And give me hugs and kisses. And hopefully the former will lead to the latter.

I love you guys, more than you'll ever possibly know.
Momma

"Beautiful Things" by Gungor
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJ4yNYY1hHM

My story. Well, I don’t feel as if I have much of a story to tell, but somebody over here at Calvary seems to feel differently, so I guess I’ll go ahead and indulge them.

I became a Christian when I was 27 years old. Which is quite surprising really, considering I had an upbringing that lends itself quite easily to finding Jesus almost right out of the womb. I grew up in a Christian home, went to Christian elementary and high schools, participated in Sunday School, catechism, youth groups, Bible studies, and mission trips, and on a good day even dared to talk about Jesus to my friends. Out loud. So they could hear me. I know, gutsy right? I did all the right things and knew all the right Bible verses and could recite the Lord’s Prayer and the Apostle’s Creed and a whole slew of Psalms on command. I had myself and everyone around me convinced that I was a good girl, following the right path, with the box marked “heaven bound” checked off the list. I was right on track. Nothing to worry about over here, unless I counted that vague notion that appeared every once in awhile prompting me to wonder if I really did have it all figured out, if maybe there was more.

After high school I left Holland and went on to a state university for college. I didn’t take college very seriously. I had always loved animals and reading, so I figured I would pursue a major in Fisheries and Wildlife with a minor in Women’s Literature, because I was sure there had to be a huge market for that qualification set. I got by in school doing as little as I could, enjoying the social atmosphere much more than the academic one. While I didn’t learn as much about Ornithology and Sylvia Plath as I should have, I did learn very quickly what the cover charge was at every nightspot within a three mile radius, and which pizza joints would deliver to my apartment after hours.

Jesus didn’t come into play much for me during those years. I knew on a very real level that I was not living the life I was taught to live. I understood that what I was doing was wrong, and on the rare occasion when I would slow down long enough to recognize the nagging in my heart, the guilt that followed would become overwhelming. I would cry out to Jesus, asking him to forgive me, begging him to help me make better decisions, promising him that if he would just show me how, I would change. But I never gave him the opportunity. By the time I had dusted off my knees and put my Bible back on my nightstand I was already feeling better. Better enough to go right back to the life I was living, the life I thought I had a handle on. And after six years I eventually left college with no degree to show for it. Enter my shame, and my regret.

After college I moved back home with my parents, and used what little knowledge I had gleaned from my sporadic class attendance to go to work for a local veterinarian. I also began dating a nice, quiet, Christian boy from Zeeland whom my parents loved, and I surprised myself by finding out that I did, too. Being back in my hometown and being in a relationship with Jason I found it was easy to slide right back into my role of the good, church-going Christian girl. And on a good day I even dared to talk about Jesus to the people around me. Out loud. So they could hear me. I know, gutsy right? I did semi-regular devotions, prayed when I needed something, and began planning my future. I systematically ignored the ever-pervasive pull on my heart that maybe something in my perfect Christian life was lacking, and being busy with wedding planning and house-hunting made those suspicions easy to ignore.

Not too long after that, Jason and I were married. We pledged our eternal love for one another before our friends, our family, and God, and settled into a comfortable life together. More and more in those days I became aware of an unsettling in my life, a sense that things were really good but they could be even better. However I couldn’t put my finger on what it was that was missing, and so once again those feelings were set aside. That fall two things happened which would change my life. The first one was that we found out we were pregnant with our first child, our daughter Dana. The second was I started attending a Bible Study which my mom and sisters had been asking me to join for years, but I had always found an excuse not to go. This study was different in that it centered only on the Bible, no outside sources, and it required me to spend time reading and reflecting on it every single day. And it was there, in that study but more importantly in his Word, that I finally met Jesus. And it was in finally meeting him that I realized all those years when I thought I had the whole “Christianity” thing down pat, I was all wrong. Over the course of that first year’s study I gradually came to learn that it wasn’t about memorizing Scripture, and going to church regularly, and feeling semi-comfortable enough to bring up God in my everyday conversations. No, that was all part of it, but not the part that mattered. What I found out really mattered was knowing him. And craving him. And allowing myself to let him work in my life. It was about studying for myself what he meant when he claimed to be faithful, and good, and just, and it was about letting myself truly believe that he truly loved me. It was about talking to him, even when I didn’t know how to, or had no idea what to say. It was about slowly changing from being uncomfortable in his presence to feeling as if I were seated next to a friend. At the end of the day, it was about getting out of my own way, so there was finally some room for him to get into it.

If you fast forward to today, you will find me still in love with Jason, living out in the country, raising our four incredible children and trying to remember to feed all the random animals that find their home with us as well. I homeschool, I drive a mini-van, I read a lot of books, I eat my fruits and vegetables. My life is a blessedly simple one. And so when someone from Calvary called and asked me to share my story, and as I read over our Scripture passage for this morning, I wondered how in the world was I expected to add anything of any merit to Paul’s story? What could I possibly have in common with this historically unparalleled man of God? My story is not dramatic, or heroic, or laden with visions from God. I have never been thrown in prison and threatened with death, and I was not blinded on my way to work, or commanded to change my name and my life and follow Jesus.

But then it came to me. There is one way in which Paul and I are similar. One way in which our stories follow the same storyline. And that is that we were both pursued by the living God. We were both going about our daily lives, thinking we had it all right, pretty positive we had this “Christian thing” in the bag; until we found out we did not. Looking back now I can see all those nudges I disregarded, all those naggings I let fall by the wayside, all the times I felt deep down that something was missing and I went ahead and attributed it to a possible case of indigestion, those were the times when God was close by, gently reminding me of his presence, patiently waiting for me to see him, ready for me to acknowledge his desire to be a part of my life. And eventually I did, and I have, and now I can say with all honesty that I can’t live without him. Just like Paul, once upon a time my life was marked with bad decisions, with selfishness, and with a misplaced pride in my religion. And just like Paul, all that changed when I came face to face with the one true God. And from that day forward my life went from one being marked by sin to one that is covered in grace, and mercy, and the knowledge that the God who pursued me in the past will never leave my side in the future.

Today I wake up every day living smack dab in the middle of blessing. Today I wake up knowing that regardless of the questionable choices I have made in my past, and even though I still live in the center of the consequences I face as a result of those decisions, I serve a Lord who loves me, and longs to cover me with his compassion and his forgiveness, and a Lord who can’t wait to reveal to me the best possible plan for my life. Today I wake up madly in love with the God who has had me in his grip from the beginning, the God who never lost sight of me, and the God who would never, could never, let me go.

My story isn’t an exciting one. I’m not a very exciting person and I don’t lead a very interesting life. But that’s the part of my story that I like the best. The very best part of my story is that the God of the universe will not and cannot rest until I know in the very depth of my soul that He sees me, He loves me, and I am His.

The End

Addendum: I originally wrote this post about six months ago, but for some reason or another didn't get around to posting it. A few weeks ago I had another request from Calvary to get up on stage and read some words written by Pastor Frank. I agreed, got properly nervous and nauseous the night before, performed my duty at church the next morning, got in the car to come back home, and guess what song was playing on the radio? Guess what song I have never, not once heard on the radio before but which just so happened to be getting airtime that morning? You guessed it. A little song about "Beautiful Things". I was so overwhelmed with the presence of God in that moment, so overcome with his own little way of saying thank you to me for being willing to get uncomfortable for him, and completely awash with the security and the peace that comes from knowing that me, this beautiful mess right here, is and will always be loved more than I could ever possibly imagine. 

Golden Girl

Dearest Eliza,
Can you believe you are SIX years old today? And not only that, it's your GOLDEN birthday! Well, you probably can believe it since you've been counting down the days since Christmas and reminding me every chance you get that this is your GOLDEN birthday, but I cannot seem to wrap my head around it. I was watching you earlier tonight as you were sitting in the family room and was struck once again with how in most ways you remain my little girl, but yet you are growing up at the speed of light right before my eyes. Stop it. Pretty please.

I find myself doing that a lot with you, you know. Watching you. Stealing glances. All out staring at you. Sometimes when you catch me in the act you will tilt your head, offer me a curious smile, and inquire as to what I'm doing. I usually use this moment to snatch a quick hug and kiss and possibly a tickle, because being near you and loving on you is irresistible to me. I remember so vividly the first second I laid eyes on you, and how you completely took my breath away. I couldn't believe as they put you in my arms that I had any part in creating you, and that this beautiful little girl got to be mine forever. There was just something about you, there is still something about you, that is pure magic. And this magic is like a magnetic force, drawing me to you.

Out of all my children you are my biggest mystery. There are so many levels and layers to you that as soon as I think I've got them all figured out, I am introduced to another facet that catches me totally off guard. You definitely carry some of my personality along with you, as well as the personalities of your Dad, and your Papa, and your Aunt Cyndy, and your Grandma, and all these other people in my life that it makes me wonder if when God made you he just took everyone I love, smooshed them all together, and out came you.

First of all, you are so, so strong, and unbelievably determined. The other day you were having trouble skipping and jumping rope at the same time. After a couple of failed attempts you stopped, looked at me and said, "Okay. I put it in my mind. Here I go". And you did it. Perfectly. And then you turned to me with such a look of pride at what you had willed yourself to accomplish. This kind of drive built into you is completely foreign to  me, and I marvel every time I see you set your mind to something and finish it as if you knew it was only a matter of willpower and time.

Second, you are a visionary. You have more talent for the arts in your pinkie finger than your father and I have in both of us combined. You are constantly drawing, painting, cutting, pasting, imagining, and creating. Almost every day I can count on you bringing me something you have conjured up out of random craft supplies we have around the house and showing me what you made out of them. You put colors and lines together in a way I never would have dreamed of doing, and the result is always just right. I find myself looking at what you make and thinking to myself, "well of course those deflated balloons would make fantastic ears on that teddy bear. And that shade of purple really does make that yellow next to it appear surprisingly realistic". Again, this is an area where I just sit back and wonder at all you can do, knowing that I in no way contributed to it but am so grateful to be on the witnessing and receiving end of it.

Third, you are just plain silly.You will be the first person to do something crazy if you think there is the slightest possibility that it will get a laugh out of your sisters or your Daddy and me. Underwear on your head, whoopee cushions, gigantic (and I mean GIGANTIC) belches, these are all part of the repertoire you will dig into any time you are in the mood for some fun. And child, that giggle of yours is contagious. No one can be around you, hear you laugh, see that smile connected directly to the sparkle in your eyes and not chuckle a little bit themselves as well. You have a way about you that makes people want to be invited into your happiness, so maybe some of your magic will rub off on them as well.

And last but not least comes the one part I do understand about you. The part I tiptoe around hoping not to damage it in any way, because I believe it is the foundation which allows all your other characteristics to shine. You, my dear girl, encapsulate the words "sensitive soul". You feel things so incredibly deeply. It still surprises me after all this time that on those occasions when I scold you I can almost see your heart breaking. Your giant blue eyes well up with tears, your body folds in to cover your wounded heart, and it seems to be all you can do not to crumple into a little ball on the floor. And I am reminded in those moments on a very pure level how beneath everything tough about you on the outside, on the inside beats a tender, fragile heart. And oh honey, how I treasure that tender, fragile heart, and how I long to protect it forever...

And it is all these things blended together and formed into the person of you that causes me to so often just stop. And stare at you. And take you in. And stand in awe again that you are mine. And then one word will start running through my mind on repeat.

"Potential. Potential... potential... potential..."

Sweet girl, with your strength, and your sensitivity, and your silliness, and your spunk, I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that you really could rule the world. I look at you and see so clearly that you can do anything you set your mind to. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, out of your reach.

And this is where my most fervent prayers for you come in. These are actually prayers for you, and also huge prayers for me.

Because the thing is, I am so afraid of ruining you. I am so afraid I will somehow stifle all that is within you that I don't understand. I'm afraid I will mislead you somewhere down the road, and you will have to use up all your phenomenal qualities just finding your way back to where you should be, instead of using them to blaze what would surely be a groundbreaking path of your own. I'm afraid I'm going to break you, or hurt you, or cause you to want to leave me and all I've taught you, simply because there is just so much I don't realize and comprehend about you and I end up doing it all wrong.

So my prayers, sweet Liza, are that between the two of us we can send you to the very highest reaches of your potential, and then when you arrive we can sit back and watch the world change because you're there. I pray God gives your father and me the necessary wisdom in how to channel your passion and your drive into something beautiful for him. I pray God will keep your heart open and soft to those hurting in this world, and will give you the desire to bring them into your life because they will be better for having experienced you. I pray God surrounds you with people who will encourage you, and pray for you, and recognize the places you can go and want you to go there, too. I pray the love I have for you will be so obvious and so consuming that you will never have cause to doubt it, and you will know that in my presence and in my arms will always be a safe place to land. And most importantly, far and away, I pray that you love your Jesus. I pray you love him with the fire and the ferocity I feel when you wrap your little arms around me and let me believe I'm the best mommy in the world. I pray you allow him to use these glorious gifts he gave you to make this world better, and happier, and more magical. And I pray he is the one you turn to anytime and every time you lose your way, or are feeling scared or unsure, or you just need a friend. He will never disappoint you, never leave you on your own, never stop loving you. Honey, he just doesn't know how.

So today, on your (GOLDEN) birthday, I will watch you and stare at you and then take you in some more. Because I know in the deepest part of me how extraordinary you are, and how blessed we are to be able to witness you growing up and having you introduce us to unlimited possibility. I pray that God fills this next year of yours with friendship, and with laughter, and with grace, and he fills your soul with courage and the conviction that you are made for greatness, you are made to love and be loved, and you are made of all the very best things he has to give. Since the very moment we met you he has made us believe in magic.

Stay golden, baby girl.
All my love from the tips of your toes to the tippy-top of heaven,
Momma

My Third Enters Her Fourth

Dear Cora Dean,

No more sleeps sweetie, it's your birthday!!! You have been so excited for this day to arrive, and so ready to finally be four years old. I am happy that your special day has at last made its way to you, and we get the chance to set apart some time during these busy summer days to focus on and dote on our precious baby girl.

 

You've had such a big year this past year. You are almost unrecognizable from the three year old we celebrated last summer. You have grown and changed tremendously, and I feel as if we are just now starting to get a glimpse of the little girl and the young lady you will grow into as the years go on. You have stepped out of your sisters' shadows, and have figured out that you are a person in and of yourself with opinions that matter, your own likes and dislikes, and your own preferred way of doing things. Of course along with this comes the inevitable clashes with those of us around you as we, too, accept that you no longer can be expected to do/wear/eat something simply because we tell you to. But there is an inherent grace in you that allows us the room to figure out your new boundaries with the confidence that you will love us no matter what, even when we temporarily disregard those boundaries and forget that you are a unique individual with unique needs and desires.

As I sit here reflecting on you, it cannot be helped that my thoughts drift naturally to happiness. When you came into my life I was in a dark time. Papa had just died a few months prior, and I was still lost in the grief that accompanied his passing. I was trying to find my footing again, trying to figure out what life on earth was going to mean without him in it, trying to get a grip on something real that would bring me back joy. And I believe that when God created you he did so knowing the dynamic of the time you would come, knowing what this family needed, knowing what I needed, and knowing that you would be just the child to fulfill those needs. You brought genuine joy with you. You brought me the ability to smile from the inside-out again, the ability to focus on something good, and the ability to remember that God gives amazing blessing even as we question him about astounding loss. You were my covenant from him reminding me that he was here with me, taking care of me and loving me, and still filling my life with sweetness and promise.

There are still times when I think about your middle name, the same middle name you share with your Papa, and if I allow myself to sit in that moment for too long it inevitably becomes unbearable to me that your Papa doesn't know you, that he hasn't seen how incredible you are, that I haven't heard him say aloud this name which was chosen to honor him and fits you so well. But then when I move past that moment I can rest easily and peacefully in the one that follows. For this moment is in the today, and it is full of the gift of you. This moment overflows with faithfulness and the reassurance of sunshine following a storm. You are my sunshine, dear girl. You are my light. You are my daybreak and my high noon and my magnificent, spectacular, never-to-be-duplicated sunset. From the very instant you were born you scattered the darkness and shined a beacon of hope into every corner of my heart. And you have been on repeat every day since. Every morning when you open your eyes your first inclination is to seek me out, spider-monkey your way up into my arms and meld your body against my beating heart. It's as if you know that was a place you healed once, and that simply the very presence of you against me is enough to guard against old wounds. And you are right. I treasure these minutes with you, and find myself seeking out your sunshine every morning as well.

My prayer for you as you enter into your next year is twofold. The first part is that you continue to discover who you are outside of being the youngest of three sisters. I have a special affinity for you, my fellow "third daughter", and know how easily it can be to mold yourself into the shape of one of the sisters that precedes you. I grew up an individual in that I was independent and self-sufficient enough to face the world rather easily and bravely on my own, but I also internalized probably too much the preferences and point-of-views of my older sisters, and didn't develop the courage and the knowledge to figure out who I really was until much, much later in life. I pray that God reveals to you early on that you are different from everyone around you, that he made you special in the best way imaginable, and that he set aside gifts and talents that are yours and yours alone with a plan tailored specifically to you just because you're you, and you're awesome. You are a masterpiece made with the utmost care by the same God who made this miraculous world you live in, and because of this you are perfection.

The second part of my prayer for you this year is that as you continue to learn more and more about the world around you, and as you begin to understand the complexities and beauty of life, that in the middle of all of that you will be befriended by Jesus. I will pray that you are drawn to him, and that you are full of conviction that he is real, and he is good, and he loves you. I will pray that your heart is open to having him make his home there, and that you desire and treasure the God who created you. He is everything you need everyday, sweet girl. Everything.

I am very excited to see what this next year has in store for you. Part of me wants to freeze you and your munchkin voice and your spindly little arms and legs just as they are, but the other part of me is full of curiosity as to the person waiting for you on the other side of your fourth year. I don't know her fully yet, but I do know already that she is funny, and she is strong, and her smile can heal me, and she is a wonder to be enjoyed and embraced every single day.

I love you, my baby girl. So, so  much. I love you with a love that overflows with the light you brought into my life. May God bless you over and over and always, today and forevermore.

Love,
Momma