My Salvation Reflection

Dear Jesus,

As I write this, there is a portion of my heart that just followed Dana and Eliza out the front door and followed them into their school. There is another part hanging out in the bathroom with Cora, listening to her sing "Let It Go" on continuous loop to the Barbie doll she has been swimming around in the sink for the last fifteen minutes. Another part is laying about ten feet in front of me, holding a book upside down, reading to himself in the fleeting baby gibberish that will be replaced with actual words far too quickly for my liking. (You know Jones, the (rather endearing) stinker of the bunch.) And another part of my heart is diligently and patiently teaching Diesel Mechanics to high school boys, probably day-dreaming about an alternate life where he would be shepherding his days away.

But today Lord, and for the last few days, there has been a large part of my thoughts and a part of my heart that has been directly connected to the You that walked this earth 2000 years ago. The You, that walked around among people like me, has been consuming me.

As the years go by, and as you faithfully and gradually reveal yourself to me, this week continues to take on more and more meaning. I find the more I fall in love with you the more I find myself wanting to trail by your side as you journey calmly and resolutely towards your cross. And along that walk with you so many conflicting emotions fall one after another in front of me. And I am forced to wade through each of them if I want to keep up with you, if I want to follow you all the way to the finish line...

Me and the kids have been reading so much these last few days about your last few hours in the garden, about your friend Peter's denial of you, about your friend Judas' betrayal of you, and of the mockery, and the physical abuse, and the complete desertion and hatred of the people who just days before had welcomed you into their city with open arms. And Lord, it's hard for me to swallow that I would have been any of them and and all of them. I am no different from any of these people who treated you with disregard, with complacency, and with utmost contempt. It would have been me, Lord, who would have fallen asleep in the garden after you had asked me to keep you company, as you know all too well how many times I fall asleep even now when we're in the middle of a conversation. It would have been me who denied knowing you to those around me who had seen evidence of our relationship, just like I sometimes catch myself doing today when confronted with my knowledge of you. It would have been me who would have valued material possessions and wealth over you, just like I so nonchalantly do when I buy that new pair of shoes instead of investing my resources in your sick, and your poor, and your hungry. It would have been me, Lord, who fled from your side in fear instead of standing my ground next to you, just like I do today when instead of speaking up and defending you I choose to keep my mouth shut when those around me slander your name.

I am guilty, Lord. I have turned my back on you. I have deserted you. I have spat on and beaten down and discarded our friendship over and over, time and time again. It is my sin that carried you those last few steps to the cross. It is my sin that nailed your hands to that tree. It is my sin that separated you from your Father, your God, and your life. It is my sin that stole your last breath and sent you into hell to endure three days of agony and anguish that you never could have deserved. It was me, dear Jesus, it was me.

And I am so sorry, my Lord. I am so, so sorry.

Yet it is in this place of knowing that there are no words or deeds to reconcile all I did to you, and all you did for me, that the only thing left for me to do is to trust you, and in doing so dive headfirst into your grace. For lack of anything else I can do, I must submerge myself in your promise of deliverance. Because I can't do anything to save you from the suffering you endured, or to save me from the suffering I deserve, I will choose to do the one and only thing that you do ask of me; I will allow myself to be covered in your forgiveness, bundled up and swaddled tight in your compassion, clothed in your unending love. I will let Easter Sunday and your victory over death mean something. I will let it change me. I will let your dying on my behalf not be taken lightly, but carry the weight and gravity it deserves. I will carry your sacrifice past Easter Sunday into the following Monday. I will let your death and resurrection be all that you intended it to be. I will live my life immersed in your mercy and radiating your love because you loved me enough to lay your own life down.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you for letting me walk beside you. Thank you for opening my eyes and breaking my heart for all you went through because of me. Thank you for continuing to deepen my love for you and our relationship with each other. Thank you for the cross, and the grave, and the stone rolled away, and for what that empty tomb means today and everyday after. Thank you for saving me, and for being the kind of Savior whose only desire is to be repaid in love.

I love you.

Happy Easter, my Lord and my King.

In your most holy name I pray,
Amen

First Decade Down

Dear Jason,

I could say that I can't even remember life without you by my side, but I would be lying. Today, on our 10 year anniversary, I can't help but remember what my life was like without you in it, and it makes me instantaneously grateful that you are mine and for this life we have built together.

I revisit my former self, the "me" from a decade ago, and I find her almost unrecognizable. I have changed much over the years, growing and morphing into what I feel is quite a different person. I'm not as selfish as I used to be, but I'm much more of a control freak. I don't need to drag you out every weekend so I can get my social fix satisfied, but instead treasure the meaningful times with you and a few close friends that know me well and love me anyway. I'm not the girl constantly talking your ear off whenever you walk into the room, but rather am content and comfortable in the silences you and I create. The shape of my personality has been honed and tweaked and sculpted and has made me into the person, the mother, and the wife you wake up to every morning.

But for all of me that has changed, for all of the appearing and disappearing of parts of me that either needed to go or needed to shine, there is the one thing in my life that has held constant. Jason, my constant is you.

I look back over these last 10 years and hundreds of pictures and memories wash over me. I remember the heart-breaking losses of your cousin Chris, your grandparents, and my father. I revisit with pride and tenderness the pregnancies, the births, the c-section recoveries and the newborn haze of our four children. I look back with a distinct sense of God's provision and care as I recall moving our family of five into a friends home for eight months while we waded through the process of building our own. And then there were the birthdays and Christmas's and vacations and T-ball games and new puppies and Sunday mornings and Saturday evenings and every other time of day in between. I see all of this, and the best part of it all is that I see all of this with you. You've just always been there. And in this day and age I have to remind myself what a blessing and what a gift your being constant is in my life.

And so today I want to say thank you. Thank you for not only being physically present, but for being my constant emotionally as well. No matter what venture I embark on I never have to question your support, your gentle leadership, and your loyalty to me and to this marriage. It's easy to take you for granted, as you never give me any reason to doubt your commitment to this life we have made together. But I promise to try not to. You truly are a one-of-a-kind find, and it is only by the grace of God that I was the one who found you. Today, on our tenth anniversary, it doesn't escape me for a second how blessed I am. I don't deserve you, but God decided to give you to me anyway. And you remain hands-down the greatest gift in my life.

My prayer for us moving forward is that we continue to seek always the ever-faithful and ever-loving hand and will of God in our life. I pray that as we grow older we grow closer together, and the promise we made to each other so long ago to always love each other and be there for each other continues to solidify with the tests of time. And I pray that if God's will for our children is marriage that he blesses them as he has so richly blessed us, providing our girls with husbands who love them and love the Lord (just like you), and Jones with a wife who loves Jesus and loves her husband from the very depths of her soul (just like me).

I love you now, I'll love you forever, and I'll love you constant.
Me