Golden Girl

Dearest Eliza,
Can you believe you are SIX years old today? And not only that, it's your GOLDEN birthday! Well, you probably can believe it since you've been counting down the days since Christmas and reminding me every chance you get that this is your GOLDEN birthday, but I cannot seem to wrap my head around it. I was watching you earlier tonight as you were sitting in the family room and was struck once again with how in most ways you remain my little girl, but yet you are growing up at the speed of light right before my eyes. Stop it. Pretty please.

I find myself doing that a lot with you, you know. Watching you. Stealing glances. All out staring at you. Sometimes when you catch me in the act you will tilt your head, offer me a curious smile, and inquire as to what I'm doing. I usually use this moment to snatch a quick hug and kiss and possibly a tickle, because being near you and loving on you is irresistible to me. I remember so vividly the first second I laid eyes on you, and how you completely took my breath away. I couldn't believe as they put you in my arms that I had any part in creating you, and that this beautiful little girl got to be mine forever. There was just something about you, there is still something about you, that is pure magic. And this magic is like a magnetic force, drawing me to you.

Out of all my children you are my biggest mystery. There are so many levels and layers to you that as soon as I think I've got them all figured out, I am introduced to another facet that catches me totally off guard. You definitely carry some of my personality along with you, as well as the personalities of your Dad, and your Papa, and your Aunt Cyndy, and your Grandma, and all these other people in my life that it makes me wonder if when God made you he just took everyone I love, smooshed them all together, and out came you.

First of all, you are so, so strong, and unbelievably determined. The other day you were having trouble skipping and jumping rope at the same time. After a couple of failed attempts you stopped, looked at me and said, "Okay. I put it in my mind. Here I go". And you did it. Perfectly. And then you turned to me with such a look of pride at what you had willed yourself to accomplish. This kind of drive built into you is completely foreign to  me, and I marvel every time I see you set your mind to something and finish it as if you knew it was only a matter of willpower and time.

Second, you are a visionary. You have more talent for the arts in your pinkie finger than your father and I have in both of us combined. You are constantly drawing, painting, cutting, pasting, imagining, and creating. Almost every day I can count on you bringing me something you have conjured up out of random craft supplies we have around the house and showing me what you made out of them. You put colors and lines together in a way I never would have dreamed of doing, and the result is always just right. I find myself looking at what you make and thinking to myself, "well of course those deflated balloons would make fantastic ears on that teddy bear. And that shade of purple really does make that yellow next to it appear surprisingly realistic". Again, this is an area where I just sit back and wonder at all you can do, knowing that I in no way contributed to it but am so grateful to be on the witnessing and receiving end of it.

Third, you are just plain silly.You will be the first person to do something crazy if you think there is the slightest possibility that it will get a laugh out of your sisters or your Daddy and me. Underwear on your head, whoopee cushions, gigantic (and I mean GIGANTIC) belches, these are all part of the repertoire you will dig into any time you are in the mood for some fun. And child, that giggle of yours is contagious. No one can be around you, hear you laugh, see that smile connected directly to the sparkle in your eyes and not chuckle a little bit themselves as well. You have a way about you that makes people want to be invited into your happiness, so maybe some of your magic will rub off on them as well.

And last but not least comes the one part I do understand about you. The part I tiptoe around hoping not to damage it in any way, because I believe it is the foundation which allows all your other characteristics to shine. You, my dear girl, encapsulate the words "sensitive soul". You feel things so incredibly deeply. It still surprises me after all this time that on those occasions when I scold you I can almost see your heart breaking. Your giant blue eyes well up with tears, your body folds in to cover your wounded heart, and it seems to be all you can do not to crumple into a little ball on the floor. And I am reminded in those moments on a very pure level how beneath everything tough about you on the outside, on the inside beats a tender, fragile heart. And oh honey, how I treasure that tender, fragile heart, and how I long to protect it forever...

And it is all these things blended together and formed into the person of you that causes me to so often just stop. And stare at you. And take you in. And stand in awe again that you are mine. And then one word will start running through my mind on repeat.

"Potential. Potential... potential... potential..."

Sweet girl, with your strength, and your sensitivity, and your silliness, and your spunk, I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that you really could rule the world. I look at you and see so clearly that you can do anything you set your mind to. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, out of your reach.

And this is where my most fervent prayers for you come in. These are actually prayers for you, and also huge prayers for me.

Because the thing is, I am so afraid of ruining you. I am so afraid I will somehow stifle all that is within you that I don't understand. I'm afraid I will mislead you somewhere down the road, and you will have to use up all your phenomenal qualities just finding your way back to where you should be, instead of using them to blaze what would surely be a groundbreaking path of your own. I'm afraid I'm going to break you, or hurt you, or cause you to want to leave me and all I've taught you, simply because there is just so much I don't realize and comprehend about you and I end up doing it all wrong.

So my prayers, sweet Liza, are that between the two of us we can send you to the very highest reaches of your potential, and then when you arrive we can sit back and watch the world change because you're there. I pray God gives your father and me the necessary wisdom in how to channel your passion and your drive into something beautiful for him. I pray God will keep your heart open and soft to those hurting in this world, and will give you the desire to bring them into your life because they will be better for having experienced you. I pray God surrounds you with people who will encourage you, and pray for you, and recognize the places you can go and want you to go there, too. I pray the love I have for you will be so obvious and so consuming that you will never have cause to doubt it, and you will know that in my presence and in my arms will always be a safe place to land. And most importantly, far and away, I pray that you love your Jesus. I pray you love him with the fire and the ferocity I feel when you wrap your little arms around me and let me believe I'm the best mommy in the world. I pray you allow him to use these glorious gifts he gave you to make this world better, and happier, and more magical. And I pray he is the one you turn to anytime and every time you lose your way, or are feeling scared or unsure, or you just need a friend. He will never disappoint you, never leave you on your own, never stop loving you. Honey, he just doesn't know how.

So today, on your (GOLDEN) birthday, I will watch you and stare at you and then take you in some more. Because I know in the deepest part of me how extraordinary you are, and how blessed we are to be able to witness you growing up and having you introduce us to unlimited possibility. I pray that God fills this next year of yours with friendship, and with laughter, and with grace, and he fills your soul with courage and the conviction that you are made for greatness, you are made to love and be loved, and you are made of all the very best things he has to give. Since the very moment we met you he has made us believe in magic.

Stay golden, baby girl.
All my love from the tips of your toes to the tippy-top of heaven,
Momma

My Third Enters Her Fourth

Dear Cora Dean,

No more sleeps sweetie, it's your birthday!!! You have been so excited for this day to arrive, and so ready to finally be four years old. I am happy that your special day has at last made its way to you, and we get the chance to set apart some time during these busy summer days to focus on and dote on our precious baby girl.

 

You've had such a big year this past year. You are almost unrecognizable from the three year old we celebrated last summer. You have grown and changed tremendously, and I feel as if we are just now starting to get a glimpse of the little girl and the young lady you will grow into as the years go on. You have stepped out of your sisters' shadows, and have figured out that you are a person in and of yourself with opinions that matter, your own likes and dislikes, and your own preferred way of doing things. Of course along with this comes the inevitable clashes with those of us around you as we, too, accept that you no longer can be expected to do/wear/eat something simply because we tell you to. But there is an inherent grace in you that allows us the room to figure out your new boundaries with the confidence that you will love us no matter what, even when we temporarily disregard those boundaries and forget that you are a unique individual with unique needs and desires.

As I sit here reflecting on you, it cannot be helped that my thoughts drift naturally to happiness. When you came into my life I was in a dark time. Papa had just died a few months prior, and I was still lost in the grief that accompanied his passing. I was trying to find my footing again, trying to figure out what life on earth was going to mean without him in it, trying to get a grip on something real that would bring me back joy. And I believe that when God created you he did so knowing the dynamic of the time you would come, knowing what this family needed, knowing what I needed, and knowing that you would be just the child to fulfill those needs. You brought genuine joy with you. You brought me the ability to smile from the inside-out again, the ability to focus on something good, and the ability to remember that God gives amazing blessing even as we question him about astounding loss. You were my covenant from him reminding me that he was here with me, taking care of me and loving me, and still filling my life with sweetness and promise.

There are still times when I think about your middle name, the same middle name you share with your Papa, and if I allow myself to sit in that moment for too long it inevitably becomes unbearable to me that your Papa doesn't know you, that he hasn't seen how incredible you are, that I haven't heard him say aloud this name which was chosen to honor him and fits you so well. But then when I move past that moment I can rest easily and peacefully in the one that follows. For this moment is in the today, and it is full of the gift of you. This moment overflows with faithfulness and the reassurance of sunshine following a storm. You are my sunshine, dear girl. You are my light. You are my daybreak and my high noon and my magnificent, spectacular, never-to-be-duplicated sunset. From the very instant you were born you scattered the darkness and shined a beacon of hope into every corner of my heart. And you have been on repeat every day since. Every morning when you open your eyes your first inclination is to seek me out, spider-monkey your way up into my arms and meld your body against my beating heart. It's as if you know that was a place you healed once, and that simply the very presence of you against me is enough to guard against old wounds. And you are right. I treasure these minutes with you, and find myself seeking out your sunshine every morning as well.

My prayer for you as you enter into your next year is twofold. The first part is that you continue to discover who you are outside of being the youngest of three sisters. I have a special affinity for you, my fellow "third daughter", and know how easily it can be to mold yourself into the shape of one of the sisters that precedes you. I grew up an individual in that I was independent and self-sufficient enough to face the world rather easily and bravely on my own, but I also internalized probably too much the preferences and point-of-views of my older sisters, and didn't develop the courage and the knowledge to figure out who I really was until much, much later in life. I pray that God reveals to you early on that you are different from everyone around you, that he made you special in the best way imaginable, and that he set aside gifts and talents that are yours and yours alone with a plan tailored specifically to you just because you're you, and you're awesome. You are a masterpiece made with the utmost care by the same God who made this miraculous world you live in, and because of this you are perfection.

The second part of my prayer for you this year is that as you continue to learn more and more about the world around you, and as you begin to understand the complexities and beauty of life, that in the middle of all of that you will be befriended by Jesus. I will pray that you are drawn to him, and that you are full of conviction that he is real, and he is good, and he loves you. I will pray that your heart is open to having him make his home there, and that you desire and treasure the God who created you. He is everything you need everyday, sweet girl. Everything.

I am very excited to see what this next year has in store for you. Part of me wants to freeze you and your munchkin voice and your spindly little arms and legs just as they are, but the other part of me is full of curiosity as to the person waiting for you on the other side of your fourth year. I don't know her fully yet, but I do know already that she is funny, and she is strong, and her smile can heal me, and she is a wonder to be enjoyed and embraced every single day.

I love you, my baby girl. So, so  much. I love you with a love that overflows with the light you brought into my life. May God bless you over and over and always, today and forevermore.

Love,
Momma

One

To my son on his first birthday.

I don't even know where to start. How was it that a year ago I didn't even know you? It's hard to imagine a day when I couldn't conjure up your smile at will, when I hadn't yet heard your giggle or your cry, when I didn't know what it felt like to have you bury your face into my shoulder or crawl headfirst into my leg so I would pick you up. Did days really exist when I wasn't greeted by your goofy grin, or when I was able to walk from room to room without your cherubic little fingers grasping at my hemline? It's hard to remember, and I don't really feel the need to. It seems you have been in my heart and on my hip for a lifetime, and I like feeling as if you and I have been intertwined since the very beginning.

You are still a surprise to me every day. I wasn't supposed to have a son, you know. I was pleasantly planning for our four daughters and was already adjusting my life accordingly when all of a sudden the doctor said, "It's a boy!" and all my aforementioned plans and (apparently quite faulty) mothers intuition went right out the window.

And then you were just there. All beautiful and perfect and ready to love me with the incomparable, all-consuming, enormous love of a little boy. Just like with your sisters, there was already a place reserved specifically for you in my heart, just waiting for you to claim it. You fit and filled it perfectly. You effortlessly made it, and me, your own.

I still can't believe that you are mine for the long haul. I watch you go about your day, pulling things from cupboards, throwing things off the couch, learning already how to push your sisters' buttons, and it always leads me to wonder, how does one even begin to raise a little boy? If I am in need of wisdom in how to raise your sisters, I feel as if I need complete and total enlightenment in how to raise you. I have no idea. Snips and snails and puppy dog tails are all foreign to me, not to mention danger and speed and all the ramminess that little boys can be capable of. I find myself already praying angels over you for the days to come, and praying peace (and possibly some blinders) for me and for my poor heart as you begin to explore and test your boundaries.

But Jones, it is in this place of facing the great unknown of your childhood and adolescence that I want to make you a promise. Dear boy, today I promise you that I will do my very best to help you become the man God intends for you to be. As I write this, I do not know what that will entail, or ultimately what will be asked of me. I don't know what sacrifices I will be called to make. I don't know how much of you I am going to have to be willing to surrender, and at this point I don't know how it will ever be possible for me to do so. I can't promise I will be good at stepping aside and letting go, but I promise you I will try (unless God's calling for your life means staying here with me forever and ever because I'd be really good at that, but for some reason I don't think that's the direction this is going to go). Already now I can see hours and hours of your name being passed from my lips to God's ears.

And I guess there are a few more promises that go hand in hand with my first one, so here's some more for you to hold me accountable to and remind me of when I go ahead and try to assert my mama-bear control over your life.

I promise to pray for strength and self-confidence for you, so you will grow up to be a man with the desire and the ability to head up a home that loves and serves the Lord.

I will pray for experiences and circumstances and role models in your life that allow you to see women in a positive and precious light. I will pray that you learn to treat women with honor and respect, and that you hold dear the opportunity to love and treasure your future wife in the same way that Christ loves and treasures her.

I will pray for your purity. I will pray that as you grow up you fully understand and appreciate the immeasurable value of your innocence in a world that has little regard for it. I will pray that you see the importance and the benefits of keeping your mind and eyes centered on holy things, and I will pray that God gives you a glimpse of the good things waiting for you if you choose to follow His leading in this area of your life.

I will pray for a loving and lasting relationship with you, even after you are no longer mine. As your mother, I know there will come a day when another woman will sweep you off your feet and desire to make her home with you. This is as it should be. (Excuse me, I must have something in my eye. Is it dusty in here? Pass me a tissue, I'll be fine.) It is my job to prepare you for this time in your life, and I will do my best to accomplish this. (Read: laundry, cooking, bed-making, foot-rubbing, etc. You're welcome, future Mrs. Jones Alberda.) Make no mistake about it though, I'm sure it will not be easy to watch you leave this nest. I have a feeling I will always see the little boy in you that belonged to me first, I will always want the best for you, and that is as it should be as well. But my promise to you is that I will love your wife and support her in her supporting of you. And more importantly, I promise to pray for her, and for protection and blessing over your marriage and life together. And then I'll pray that you all live close to me, like right next door, because I'm selfish like that.

And last but not least, I promise to pray most fervently that your father and I can raise you to love Jesus, and instill in you the passion to be a man after His own heart. There is nothing more important in this life, nothing more difficult, and nothing more rewarding than deciding to follow Jesus. I will continue to pray from this day forward that you will know Him. I will pray that you will experience firsthand his love, and his grace, and his friendship, and his power. And I will pray that you truly, truly understand and comprehend the unfathomable truth that the very God who made the cosmos wants nothing more than to make his home with you.

I'm sure as the years go on these prayers and promises I make to you today will grow and change, but one thing will remain the same. Jones Peter Alberda, I love you. And even though right now I look at you and feel as if I have no idea how to raise a little boy, you sure have shown me how to fall head over heels, madly in love with one.

Happy birthday, my Jonesy-Boy. It has been a crazy, wonderful, head-butting, dirt-eating, rough and tumble, snuggle-fest of a first year. I'll go get out the helmets and knee pads for the next one.

Forever and ever,
Your momma

To Dana: Eight (Amazing) Years In

Dear Dana,
Today, sweet girl, you turn eight whole years old. And I'd like you to knock it off already. While I am so amazed everyday at the beautiful young lady you are turning into, and while I try to relish every moment of your childhood while it lasts, these days with you seem to be flying by.

In honor of your big day, I thought I would share with you eight things that come to mind when I ponder the person of you.

 

1. You are just one big breathing, talking, walking heart. You always put other people first. Always. It's just instinctual with you to make sure everyone around you is happy, and taken care of, and your world isn't right unless this is so. Friday at swimming lessons I heard you tell a friend who was trying to turn your threesome of little girls into a twosome by taking you away that you wouldn't go with her because you didn't want anyone to feel left out. You won't know how brave and honorable and kind that one statement was until you are older, but in that moment I could not have been more proud of you. And then you performed a flawless dive off the diving board and I was proud of you all over again. :) I pray the piece of you which cherishes people and respects their feelings never falters or disappears, as it is one of the very best parts of you. Those people who get to call you their friend in this lifetime will be so blessed by your thoughtfulness and compassion.

2. When you and Jones are together it is like putting a face on the word 'adore'. You two have such a great love affair, with each of you lighting up upon first glimpse of the other. You mother him better than I do most days. Every morning when you walk up the stairs your eyes automatically sweep the room looking for your little brother, eye contact is made, huggles and snuggles ensue, and only then can you begin the rest of your day. Dana, he is so lucky to have your love poured out over him in every moment you are together. This love of yours will help shape the man he becomes.

 

3. You are drawn naturally to Jesus. There is an organic, easy, seamless relationship already in place there that I can take no credit for. It was like all I had to was formally introduce you to Him, and you took it from there. You love reading your Bible and ask me unbelievably deep, thoughtful questions about the words you read. He is very, very real to you. My most heartfelt desire is that this relationship explodes into something even more beautiful and indestructible as the years go by and that you wish to do nothing more than follow His leading in your life. He will always be everything you need, dear child. Always and everything.

4. You have inherited my love for words. You are constantly reading, reading, reading anything you can get your hands on. You have the capability of reading and understanding books that kids five years older than you are reading, but you are content to read a board book to your little brother as well. You could also be read to all day long. One of your favorite things to do is to bring me a book, curl that ever-lengthening body of yours into my lap and just listen, and listen, and then listen some more. There are so many times when I wish I didn't have anything else in the world to do other than just read with you, for this is my happy place, too. I hope your love of books develops into a lifelong passion, and that you and I will be trading literature until the end of time.

5. You are beautiful. I know I'm not supposed to dwell on your outer appearance and so I won't, but sweetheart your radiant smile, your twinkling eyes, your long golden "princess" hair... you have turned into quite a pretty little girl. And even though there are things far, far more important for you to focus on, I also understand that every girl likes to hear that once in awhile, and so I will remind you of your beauty every time you feel you need to hear it.  

6. Your inner beauty is what makes your outer beauty evident. Even the most conventionally attractive woman can be deemed ugly, and the seemingly unattractive person can be the most breathtaking. All those things listed above in #5? They become invisible without an authentic goodness that shines from within. You are kind to all around you. You are gentle, you are humble, you seek peace, you love to love, you are genuinely concerned for the heart and soul of others. These, Dana, are the reasons why you are truly, inherently beautiful.

 

 

 

7. You are growing up so fast. Already you are forming opinions and inquiring about everything from science, to relationships, to human sexuality, to God, and the list only begins there. There are times when I find it hard to keep up with your questions and observations. But the best part about this is that you keep me re-evaluating everything in my own life. You force me to keep asking myself the tough questions, and you even introduce me to new ones. I deeply covet that our relationship will always be an open and trusting one, and for this reason I have vowed since the day you were born to be honest with you about everything. And so I try to answer everything you throw my way with truth and with wisdom. By God's grace alone this seems to have worked okay so far, and I will continue to pray every day that He grants me the answers I need to satisfy your growing and changing view of His world.

8. And finally, baby, a prayer. Because no birthday would be complete without recognizing and thanking the One who gave you to us to celebrate.

Dear Lord in heaven,
I thank you today for Dana. You have made her such a special little girl with so many unique and admirable gifts. I thank you for entrusting her to us, and trusting that we will provide for her, and love her, and point her back to You. She is an awesome responsibility, in every sense of the word. I ask today for Your blessing over this next year of her life. I ask for You to continue to reveal Yourself to her so that as she grows she does so under the umbrella of Your example and Your unconditional love for her. Please help us to teach her to love others, to recognize her own self-worth, and most of all to desire to surrender her life to You. Give us wisdom in the face of her questions, grace in the wake of her mistakes, and the patience in parenting that can only come from above. Let us do her justice, for she deserves so much goodness out of this life. Our gratefulness to You when we reflect on Dana and the gift that she is to this family knows no bounds. She is one of your greatest creations.
Dear Lord, please bless this child and keep her always. Make Your face to shine upon her and give her Your peace.
In Your holy name we pray, Amen

Happy 8th birthday, dear Dana. May we enjoy this wonderfully special day together and many, many more to follow.

All my love from here to forever,
Momma

Return To Sender

Dear kiddo's,
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to write today. I feel drawn here, led here, I have to be here. I'm staring at this open space wanting to fill it with words that will tell you something good and something profound, but I'm not sure where or what they are. I just know I'm supposed to write.

As I'm sure you've gathered by now, your momma loves words, specifically the weaving together of my own. I've recorded many things over the years. Poems, stories, devotions, journals, blogs for my Dad and a couple other short-lived blogs as well, and of course, letters to your father and to you.

Dana, you have been talking a lot lately about your "gifts" and trying to figure out what they might be, and this here putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as it were) happens to be one of mine. I know you probably thought my gifts were talking at you, or being crazy punctual, or giving Jones his bottle while simultaneously doing the laundry, confirming a doctor's appointment, and reviewing your spelling words, but I'd have to say that I feel more confident in my writing ability than in most other things I do. Some people can sing, some people have wisdom for days, some people can speak eloquently to the masses, some people can throw together a spectacular dinner party for 20 people in less than an hour. Me? I can string together words in visual form that adequately express my feelings. I take no credit for being able to do this, am certainly not the best at it, but I love being able to do it and feel blessed when I have the opportunities (and the time!) to lose myself in this outlet.

However, as often is the case in life, along with ability comes responsibility. On most days I still feel as if I am not exactly sure what God has in store for me and my words, but lately I feel as if I'm getting closer to figuring it out. In the last year or so I have come to recognize that the only time I feel truly satisfied with my writing is when I am putting down words that matter, words that could potentially have eternal significance, and most importantly words that glorify God. I have realized that I want to see my words again in heaven someday, with Jesus being the keeper of them all, smiling at me and telling me that I have done well with the talents He has given me.

Which is what prompted me to start this type of blog as opposed to one that's more humorous, or one that is more focused on our day-to-day life, or one about cooking and crafting (Ha! I know, right? Turns out I'm funny, too!). When you come here I want you to be able to find not only a fuller picture of who your mom is, but also tangible evidence of how I am using the gift God has given me to honor Him. Because at the end of the day, that's all that matters. It's not the funny blurbs I post online about you (you're funny, too!) and it's not the pictures of our family followed by a light-hearted description of what we were doing that day. While I fully enjoy posting these kinds of things as well, I know that it's my words written that point people, especially all of you (my other gifts and responsibilities), to Jesus that will be the ones that count in the end.

On that note, I'm so excited to find out what gifts you will have at your own disposal. I can see already that Dana, you have magnificent peace-keeping abilities, and inside your chest beats the kindest of all the kind hearts I have ever known. Eliza, your art skills at the tender age of five far surpass anything I have ever done in my whole life, and your combination of strength and sensitivity is made for greatness. Cora, your comedic timing is impeccable, and for being as tiny in stature as you are your sense-of-self is made of solid steel. And Jones, you're still quite young, but if the rhythm you display beating on my pots and pans sticks around you have the potential be a pretty rockin' drummer. And you also have a very winning smile and an easy laugh, so it will be pure joy to see where that takes you. But whatever your gifts turn out to be, my prayer is simply that you use them to love the Lord. They were His gifts to you, and you will be at your happiest and your most fulfilled when you give them back to Him. Out of all the hundreds upon thousands of words I have written, the ones I am most proud of and find the most satisfaction in are the ones that have helped people to see Jesus. The words I treasure the most are the ones that were clearly put by Him into my heart to offer back to Him in obedience. And, I guess as it turns out, words like this letter is shaping up to be. I sat down to write today without knowing why, but in following His lead had His purpose revealed to me in the interim, and I am left here now feeling unbelievably blessed. He's so cool like that.

So press on, my children, and dance, and drum, and serve, and build, and sell, and solve, and discover, and help, and create, and educate, and advocate, and alliterate. :) Just desire to do it all for the glory of the Lord, and then bask in the blessings that follow.

Love,
Momma

The Father Factor (Four Years Later)

Dear Ones,

I write this letter to you today in absence. Not literally, as you are downstairs right now and I can hear you playing "zoo" with all your stuffed animals (side note: you run a really expensive zoo. I just heard Dana charge Cora $105 to get in. Those better be some wicked cool monkeys). No, I am within speaking distance of you, but my thoughts are so, so far away. They have been for the past couple of days, and they will be for about the next five.

In five days it will be four years since your Papa died. And that is why for these days here, your momma has a hard time doing anything but resorting back to being his child.

Don't get me wrong, you are still taken care of. I am completely capable of feeding you, clothing you, breaking up the all-too-frequent fights, and generally just loving on you like I always do, but it is mostly just me doing the same things I always do with you and hoping that I can fool you into thinking I am here. Because really, I'm not. Not so much.

Kiddo's, I miss my Dad. I miss being his daughter. I miss having his love, as no one left here on earth will ever love me in the same way that he did. There is no replacement for him, only this void he left behind. There is only me desperately recalling everything about him for fear parts of him will slip away when I'm not paying attention.

You and me, we talk about him a lot. You all know about his love of rosebushes and birds, his passion for serving the men at the Mission, his crazy running ability, how he gave the best hugs ever, and how him and Jesus were the best of friends. Most days I am able to freely talk about him and the man he was without shedding tears, and am glad this is the case because I never want you to be afraid of bringing him up because you think it makes me sad. It doesn't. It makes me so happy to be able to remember him aloud in a way that hopefully will let him live on past March 18, 2009, and settle permanently into a part of your heart as well.

But there are times when I do let you see me cry over him. You are well aware that I miss him, and you know how very sad I am that he is not here. And in these vulnerable moments of mine that you share with me there has taken place so many conversations about cancer, and what happens when people die, and heaven, and grief, and God, and for that I am grateful. There have been times when you ask me about God letting Papa get sick and die, see me get sad and shed tears, and hear me profess my faith and love for Jesus all in the breadth of a few minutes. These moments are priceless. I've found that life experience can go a long way, so much further than me trying to stand in someone else's shoes and attempt to explain what loss looks like.

My prayer for you used to be that you would never have to experience the pain that comes with surviving the death of a loved one. But this is my prayer no more. Of course I will always pray for your health and safety, and the health and safety of those you love, but my prayer has gotten bigger as the years have passed since Papa died. My prayer now is that when you do face death, and face the grief that takes your legs right out from beneath you, and when you feel a hole ripped into your heart knowing it is incapable of ever being fully healed, that in that place you will find God.

But it's even so much bigger than that. What my prayer for you is not for you to reflexively turn to Him and blindly assume that He will carry you through your pain. No, not even close. I want you to fight to find Him. I want you to battle Him. I want you to get angry with Him, and ask Him tough questions. I want you to doubt Him, and think His plan for this life is all wrong, and wonder how a seemingly good God could allow such bad things to happen to those He supposedly loves. I want your anger towards Him to consume you, and for you to shake your fists and stomp your feet and demand to know, "Why!?!". I want you to go through this war, because I believe... no, I know He can take it. He will allow Himself to become ugly to you. He will understand your defiance. He will not back away from the ferocity of your bitterness. He will honor your anger, and your questions, and your doubt. And when you beat your hands against His chest His arms will be pulling you closer. When you scream in His face His eyes will never leave your own. When you turn your back to Him He will never stop waiting for you to turn back around. And when you finally do, the tears falling down your cheeks will collide and become indecipherable from the ones running down His own.

My prayer for you today is that you do face hardships, and trouble, and overwhelming loss. Because hopefully this will lead to the answering of my biggest prayer. And that is that you learn to love Jesus. Not just because I do, and not just because that's what you've been taught to do, but because that's what you have found is the only thing you can do. And because it is the only thing that makes sense to you in this world full of wrong. And because you have fought your way through to feel that way. I want you to own your love for Jesus because you have been in the trenches with Him, and He has shown to you who He is, and you know you cannot go on another day without having Him become your very own.

So, for the better part of the next week, as I continue through the motions of being your Mom, as I miss my Dad from the depth of my soul, and as I fight my own battle once more against the "why, Lord?'s", I do so knowing where I will end up, and so very proud of the fact that I have won my way there. When you need me, you can find me smack dab in front of my Lord Jesus, praising His holy name, and loving Him for the rest of my days.

All the fighting? It was worth it. Worth it, worth it, worth it. But don't just take my word for it.

"I love those who love me, and those who seek me, find me." Proverbs 8:17

Love always,
Momma

Girl Talk

Dear Dana, and eventually Eliza, and especially Cora,

A few days ago we made a quick trip to Walgreens because your father had been hit with the plague that is Influenza 2013, and he needed some meds to survive it. Meds meaning Nyquil, so he could just fall asleep for the next seven days until his body decided to start acting human again.

As we were stopped in one of the aisles a woman started to walk past us, took stock of you three little girls, peeked into the carseat inside the cart and caught a glimpse of one sleeping boy. And then she said something along the lines of this. "Oh! How lucky! You finally got your boy!". I'm not sure what I said in response, probably just a polite smile and a generic, "Yeah, he's a keeper", and then turned around, hoping you girls were all preoccupied enough picking out your gummy vitamins to have heard the exchange.

But when I looked down at you, Dana, there was an expression on your face that only lasted for about a millisecond, but it was so transparent and it spoke volumes into what was running through your head and going on inside your heart in that brief moment in time . I'm not even sure how to explain what I saw, but it pierced my very soul. The look was part hurt, part confusion, and part just plain sad. And of course I knew why. It came about as a result of hearing the exact same conversation you are on the listening end of almost every time I take you four children with me anywhere. The whole, unintentionally hurtful, "You finally got your boy" conversation. Just like you, I do not like those words, and I often have to keep myself from covering your ears when someone says them to me while you and your sisters are anywhere in the vicinity.

Honey(s), I know there will be many hurtful things said to you or around you in this lifetime. And in the grand scheme of things this one is probably going to be relatively minor. You are what you are, our family is what it is, and you love your brother with all your heart. But this idea that Jones is somehow more valued or special to us because he is our only boy is one hurtful thing that I can easily clear up and hopefully have not be a hurtful thing anymore.

My sweet girls, there is no truth in what that woman said other than the indisputable fact that after giving birth to three girls, I gave birth to a boy. I can understand why it is assumed by some that the birth of Jones was in some way more exciting or more meaningful to your father and me than the birth of you three girls. But I can also assure with 100% certainty that it was not. Back when Daddy and I were considering trying for a fourth child, it was of utmost importance to both of us that the other one knew that we were not having another baby to have a baby boy, we were having another baby to have another baby. The gender of this child was of absolutely no importance. Which is also why we chose not to find out if Jones was a boy or a girl when we had the chance, because we simply did not care. We just felt blessed, so blessed, so very blessed to be able to bring another child into our family.

And to Cora: I, too, was the third girl in the family with the only boy to follow. And I can remember many times wondering if there was any disappointment at my birth, any brief moments of sadness that followed the words, "It's a girl!", any thoughts of, "Really? Again?" that ran through my parents (especially my father's) mind. And I am so thankful that Nana drilled it into my head at a very young age how Papa had said to her before they got pregnant with me that he didn't want to have another baby if she thought he needed a boy, because he would be just as happy with another girl. And how after I was born Nana said he beamed from ear to ear, pride washing over his face, and he went around telling everyone that he was blessed with another girl and how beautiful I was. I carry those words still with me today, and I want to give you some reassuring words of your own.

Immediately after Jones was born, and I heard the doctor say, "It's a boy!", I turned to your father to see his reaction, wondering if there would be a look of pride and excitement the likes of which I had never seen before. I half expected the thought of having a son to make him glow, or to make him smile brighter, or to do something to his face that would acknowledge that this birth was different. But to my genuine surprise and delight, there was nothing of the sort. Nothing. He looked exactly the same as he did after every single one of you were born. The exact same smile, the very same look of pride, the identical sense of relief that the birth was over and everyone was healthy and safe. And throughout the day I kept waiting for it to hit him, I kept waiting for him to say something about finally having a boy, I kept waiting for him to show in any way that he was more proud, more excited, more whatever. But I waited in vain. It never happened. Not even for a moment. And later, after everyone had been called and everyone had expressed their joy over us having a son, he turned to me and said, "Having a boy is nice, but there still is something so special about having a little girl, too". And through my medicinal haze those words stuck with me, and I made a point to not forget them because I wanted to make sure you all knew that boy or girl, you are all special to us because you are ours, because God chose you to become part of our family, and that is where it ends.

And Dana, that other day at Walgreens after the lady had continued on her way and I saw that look in your eye? It ripped my heart wide open thinking that someone had caused you, even for one moment, to think you were anything less than the gift to this family that you are. And Eliza and Cora? That goes the same for you. Which is why I immediately turned to all of you, looked you in the eyes, and said that yes, we have a boy, but oh how I loooooooove my girls. Your father and I? We have three beautiful, unique, wonderful daughters. And I thank God for that daily. Just as I thank him for your beautiful, unique, wonderful brother. All in the same breath, all one in the same, all equally important and equally loved.

And boy oh boy (oh girls), we will never let you forget it.

Love,
Momma

Q. and A. with Dana Jae

Dear Dana-Lana,

I thought I'd start an informal interview process with all you crazy kids to give you an idea what you were like as youngsters. And also to remind me in your teenage years that once upon a time you would sit still and talk to me for more than ten minutes without eye rolls, exasperated sighs, and checking your phone (or however you keep in touch with your friends these days) every 30 seconds.

This is what you had to say.

FAVORITES:

Q. What is your favorite food?
A. Hungry Howie's pizza

Q. Favorite TV show?
A. America's Funniest Videos, because it's so funny.

Q. Favorite book?
A. My Father's Dragon

Q. Favorite subject?
A. Greek Myths

Q. Least favorite subject?
A. Handwriting. Blech. (Did you know I was going to say that, Mom?)

Q. Favorite song?
A. "Go Bananas" by the Fresh Beat Band

Q. Favorite Bible Verse?
A. The one that says "Prince of Peace".

Q. Favorite Memory?
A. My 5th birthday, because when I woke up there was streamers all over.

Q. Favorite Place?
A. Crazy Bounce

Q. Favorite thing to do as a family?
A. Play the game "Sorry".

Q. Favorite Toy?
A. The ponies Mommy had when she was little.

DAY TO DAY LIFE:

Q. What was something fun you did this week?
A. Go to G.E.M.S.

Q. What is something you did that you didn't want to do?
A. Stop coloring when it was time to eat.

Q. How much time does it take to make dinner?
A. One hour, unless it's macaroni and cheese.

Q. How much does a new house cost?
A. $101 dollars

Q. A new car?
A. $50. Unless it's a brand new van, then it's $1000.

Q. A new pair of pants?
A. $10. Unless it has flowers and jewels on it, then $100.

Q. A loaf of bread?
A. $5.00

ABOUT YOU:

Q. What is something you like about being a big sister?
A. Being able to baby-sit.

Q. What do you want to be when you grow-up?
A. A veterinarian. Because I like pets. That might even be my gift! For animals!

Q. What is something silly that you do?
A. Stand on my head.

Q. What do you like to spend your money on?
A. Rainbow Magic chapter books

Q. What do you like to do for fun?
A. Play with my brother, Jones, who is a baby.

Q. What do you wish you could do that you can't do?
A. Flips on the trampoline.

Q. What is one word that describes you?
A. Kind. No, funny. Because I'm funny, right Mom?

Q. How many kids do you want to have?
A. Four, because if I have three no one will play with the youngest.

Q. What makes you happy?
A. When you make me mashed potatoes.

Q. What makes you sad?
A. When Papa died.

Q. What are you afraid of?
A. A shark biting my head off.

Q. What's the hardest thing about being a kid?
A. I can't have food whenever I want.

Q. If you could change one of our rules, what would it be?
A. That I have to listen the first time.

Q. If you could give one gift to every child in the world, what would it be?
A. An invention that's a cooking machine where if you push a button it makes whatever food you want in one second.

Q. What's one thing you would like as a gift?
A. A Dream Lite unicorn Pillow Pet.

Q. What are girls like?
A. They wear fancy dresses and go to Daddy/Daughter dances and cook with Mom and play.

Q. What are boys like?
A. I don't know. I'm not a boy, so I don't know.

MOM AND DAD:

Q. What does Dad do for a job?
A. He teaches senior high schoolers in school. He teaches them about car engines.

Q. What does Mom do for a job?
A. Works at a veterinarian. She takes care of pets.

Q. What's Dad's favorite thing to do?
A. Spend time with us.

Q. Mom's favorite thing to do?
A. Take care of animals.

Q. What's the best thing about Dad?
A. He loves me.

Q. Best thing about Mom?
A. She loves me, too.

Q. How much does Dad weigh?
A. 55 pounds

Q. How much does Mom weigh?
A. 50 pounds

Q. What makes Dad happy?
A. When I snuggle with him.

Q. Mom happy?
A. When I don't fight.

Q. What does Dad do that makes you laugh?
A. He flies me like an airplane.

Q. What does Mom do to make you laugh?
A. She tickles me.

Q. What is something that Dad's not good at?
A. He's good at everything!

Q. What is something that Mom's not good at?
A. Spanish.

Q. How are you and Mom the same?
A. We have long hair, our brains are the same size.

Q. How are you and Dad the same?
A. We're people.

Q. How are you and Mom different?
A. She's 35, I'm seven. She has brown hair, I have blonde.

Q. How are you and Dad different?
A. He's a boy, with black hair and a beard.

Q. How do you know Mom loves you?
A. She gives me hugs and kisses, she gives me food and clothes to wear.

Q. How do you know Dad loves you?
A. He gives me hugs and kisses, he lets me stay up late to watch the hunting show and makes me popcorn.

Q. What's Mom's favorite place to go?
A. The grocery store.

Q. Dad's favorite place to go?
A. To the farm with us.

Q. What does Dad like most about Mom?
A. She helps him cook.

Q. What does Mom like most about Dad?
A. He takes care of us while she goes shopping.

Q. What does Mom and Dad make for dinner that you can't stand?
A. Mushrooms

Q. What advice do you have for Mom and Dad?
A. Don't yell at people anymore.

GOD:

Q. How do you picture God?
A. A great, big, GLORIOUS person.

Q. Why do Mom and Dad take you to church?
A. To learn about Jesus.

Q. What does God do all day?
A. He watches us. He's everywhere! He's over here, he's over there, he's even over there!

Q. What's your favorite thing about God?
A. That he made me.

Q.Why did Jesus die for us?
A. Because he wanted to be our savior and he didn't want us to sin.

Q. What are you most thankful to God for?
A. My family. They're my most favorite thing.

Q. What types of things do you pray for?
A. Everyone to feel well, for food, for Haiti people and for Amazon people that only eat birds and snakes.

Well Deej, there you have it. That's you in a blonde-haired, pizza-loving, shark-fearing nutshell. I look so forward to seeing how these answers change over time, and just hope the innocence and sweetness behind them never does.

Thank you for the joy and gentleness you bring to our family. Your kind heart is a heart to be nurtured, treasured, admired, and beheld. I'll love you always, my sweet little silly big girl.

Love,
Momma

Schooled

Well children, this is another one of those posts that could probably go on and on for ever and ever and pretty soon you'll be leaving the computer, going to get a snack, leaving again, taking a nap, leaving again, going to college, and before you know it my grandchildren are wondering how in the world Grandma (Nana? Grams? Mumsy?) can prattle on so. Well, by nature I'm a prattler, but I'll try to be concise.

As I am writing this we are in our second year of homeschooling. This way of life usually either very much appeals to people, or people think I am totally off my rocker and should be examined by a professional. (Which probably isn't entirely untrue. But I'm sure you are well aware this has nothing to do with homeschooling.) You notice that we do things a little bit differently around here than some of the other kids your age, and in an effort to reveal more of myself to you I thought I would take some time to write down the top five reasons why I do what I do. Homeschool that is, not putz around the house sipping on Diet Coke. Because it can be argued that I do that a lot, too.

 

 

So, without further adieu... (drumroll, please.... C'mon! indulge your weird ol' mom!...)

Reason #5:
I get to be by you and touch you all the time. As you know (oh, how you know), your momma is a hugger. A squeezer. A "gimme a kiss"-er. I've been like this for as long as I can remember, and now that I have my own soft, squishy little ones running around, you kids get the brunt of it. If I am teaching you, I am touching you. Snuggling, playing with your hair, stealing kisses, pinching your buns (yes, yes, so embarrassing. Deal with it.), holding your hand, noogies, zerberts, the occasional session of throwing you on the bed if the situation calls for it... I love to show you how much you mean to me through the sense of touch. All day long. (And speaking as your teacher, when you are done reading this your next assignment is to find me wherever I am and hug the living daylights out of me. Don't make me take away your free time, because I will.)

Reason #4:
We get to cultivate a familial relationship that I believe would be harder to do if you were schooled traditionally. Obviously, we spend a lot of time together. Like, a lot. I'm sure you are so sick of seeing my sorry ol' mug day in and day out every day of the week. And (don't be offended) there are times, once in a great, great, great while, where I need some time away from you as well. But for the most part we are genuinely happy to be in each other's company. Yes, there are fights, between Dana and Eliza, and Eliza and Cora, and Jones and the dog (Maude, remember her? Such a stinker), and me and the computer/washing machine/oven, but nothing that isn't snuffed out rather quickly, because we get lots of practice doing it. We are really pretty good at conflict resolution over here. All of you learn so much from each other in every way, and you are more well-rounded for it. One of my great hopes is that when geography eventually separates you the closeness that you have shared over all these years will have formed an unbreakable bond, and you will continue to seek out proximity with each other of your own accord, because you simply do not know any other way to go through life.

Reason #3:
To socialize you. I'm sure if we continue with this whole homeschooling gig it's just a matter of time before you will hear people voice concern about your socialization. Namely, the uncertainty that you are going to be able to fit in with your peers. Which, as probably most homeschooling parents can tell you, is actually not very high on the list of things we worry about for your future. With all the extracurricular activities you are involved in there is rarely a day that goes by where you are not with children your own age in some capacity. To me, socialization is making sure that not only you can fit in with your peers, but that you can fit in with (and someday better) society. And what better way to do this than to have you function in society along with me; a wise, seasoned, experienced, wise, really wise adult. For example, at the tender ages of seven, five and three you have a decent outline of what goes into paying bills, keeping house, serving those in need, and working hard at jobs outside the home. (Except for you, Jones. At six months old you are incredibly lazy. But you've got big chubby cheeks, so we'll give you a free pass. For now.) You also have a really good idea how post offices and libraries and grocery stores (and Target and TipToes) and so many other everyday places are run, and I feel that these things would be difficult to find the time to teach you if you were not right there next to me. It is one of my goals that by the time you are all old enough to live on your own you will have the maturity and the know-how to do so without succumbing to any traps this world may offer, and you will also have the determination and the drive to become a contributing, valued member of society. (And I'm planning on you bringing me coffee and donuts on a regular basis. But that's neither here nor there.)

Reason #2:
Oooh, this one is a doozy. I really like this one. I homeschool you so that I get to know you. Granted, at the time I am writing this you are still all relatively quite young, but I can say with confidence that I know pretty much everything there is to know about every one of you. I know your likes and dislikes, I can predict how you will react to things before they even occur. I know what every face, every gesture, every inflection of every word means. I know you the way a person can only know somebody when their lives are irrevocably intertwined. Dana, I know that you struggle with 8's, and that you like to say your spelling words upside down on the blue chair. You are always the first one to raise your hand, and your eyes light right up when I call on you and you will (almost invariably) answer correctly. Eliza, you can only pay attention during devotions if you are nestled on my lap, while for the rest of our day together you are content sitting by my side. When you count to one hundred you will leave out the number 17 every time. You are heavily motivated by smiley-face stickers, and even though you know you're not supposed to ask for one, you will give me a sly smile after you've done some really good work and ask for one anyway. And I give it to you, because you're super cute. Dana, in Psalm 23 you recite "for His name is sake", instead of "for His name's sake", and Eliza, in John 3:16 you talk about God's only "forgotten" Son, instead of His only "begotten" Son. (We'll correct it someday. For now, it brings me joy so we'll let it slide.) Cora, you're not officially in school yet, but already I know that if there's any mention of fighting and/or wars in our textbooks you will want to see pictures, you like circles probably more than the average human being, you are obsessed with ocean creatures, and you have to wear a dress and dance around when we listen to our Bible memory verse songs. And my sweet Jones, you enjoy hourly getting passed along from one sister to another, with every smile you give wrapping them tighter and tighter around your little finger. You love it, they love it, I love it, it's just one big love affair with you. May it never end. My prayer is that as the years go by I will be able to draw upon what I am learning about all of you now, and what I will learn from you as this process continues, to help you navigate through this life. I pray that I can use what I know to be fundamental to your character to help you make choices which will be beneficial to you, and also to give me comfort and peace when someday you make decisions that may not be the best for you because I know, deep down, who you truly are.

 

And also, right along with the benefit of getting to know you, is the added bonus that I get to help lay the foundation for who you will become. I get to help mold the platform from which you will evaluate every circumstance and situation that comes your way. Already you are full of tough questions about death, and the human body, and why bad things happen to good people, and God, and the list goes on and on. And the thing is, I want to be the one to answer and discuss these questions with you. I want to instill in you our family values, I want to build strong character in you, and I want to explain to you why we believe what we believe and how we can apply this to every area of our life. There is not a doubt in my mind that you will ask these questions of somebody, and if it's not me that satisfies your curiosity there is a long line of people who gladly will, and the answers they give you may not be the ones I want you to hear, or more importantly, regard as truth. When you go out into this world I want you to enter into it secure in what you believe, able to defend those beliefs, have courage of conviction, rock solid self-esteem, and the ability to decipher truth from lies in every area of your life. (As you girls would say, "easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy", right?)

Reason #1:
And finally, the number one reason why I do what I do. It is really very simple. I do this because this is what God has called me to do both in your lives and mine, and my most heartfelt desire is to obey Him and bring Him glory. If you would have told me back in college that someday I would be a country dwelling, homeschooling, farmer-loving mother of four I would have called you crazy and then gone back to laying out in the sun with my People magazine, planning out my next exotic vacation, and wondering when my roommate was getting out of class so we could go get a Big Gulp. But God had a different plan for my life. And though the homeschooling life is not for everyone, it is the perfect life for me. It may not be the most easy calling, and there is not a day that goes by where I do not question my ability to be your primary educator, but there is also not a day that goes by where God is not faithful in reminding me that He's got this. You belong to Him first. I am only one small part of the story He has written out for your life, and I just have to trust Him that you will get the knowledge and the instruction you need from me to carry out your story to completion. I often ask Him to teach you what He wants you to learn in spite of me, and I believe that even in those days where I feel I have not taught you a single thing, He has spoken to you through me in ways I may never know. I have heard it said many times that, "He doesn't call those who are equipped, He equips those He calls". And while your momma is definitely not the best teacher in the world, He has equipped me to be the best teacher for you. And that is a privilege and a blessing that I do not take lightly, and will never take for granted. I pray that as you grow older, it is your one desire to obey Him and seek to bring Him glory in whatever area He calls you to do as well. I can promise you that it will most likely not be the simplest path, and you may think He's got the wrong person for the job, but if you choose to trust and obey Him the rewards will far outweigh any hardships you experience along the way. (He's just totally awesome like that. See below. It doesn't get any better than that for this here momma, and you're all taking a copy of this picture to college with you as a gentle reminder of how much you love to be with me.)

OK, I think that about covers what I wanted to say. Hopefully this answers some of your questions, and gives you a little insight into your history as well as encourages you when you think about your future. Never forget that you are going through life smack dab in the middle of a whole bunch of people who love you and care about you and only want the best for you. And, (this is the really cool part) you are also being watched over and guided by the King, and He can not and will never fail you. (But if you don't do your homework I might. I kid, I kid!)

Now, if you'd be so kind as to go give those grandbabies of mine a kiss from their crazy Mee-Maw, I'd be much obliged.

Love you lots,
Mrs. Alberda (a.k.a. Momma)