Well kiddos, we're down to one more day. One day until momma boards a plane and heads across the ocean to visit your Uncle Michael and his family. You and me, we've been counting down for awhile now. You've been counting down the days with dread, I've been counting them down with a pretty even mixture of all-out excitement and full-on anxiety.
I've never been away from you all for so long before. Nine whole days without kissing your cheeks, holding your hand, feeling one or the other or all of you pressed up against me as we read our stories. It's going to be so strange not having direct access to the physical beings of you, and I will miss it. I miss you all already, and I have a direct line of vision on three out of the four of you as I write this. Your little brother is out of my eyesight sleeping, but I know shortly I will hear his sweet little boy voice calling out my name to come free his tiny, still-warm, bed-headed body out of his crib-cage.
And it is in this place of expectation and facing the unknown of what lies before me that I wanted to write down some of my thoughts. In my head I know that there is a 99.9% chance that nothing unforeseen will happen while I am away, but there is still that 0.1% chance that my heart just won't let go of, and I need to allow myself to walk through that fear and let you see what it looks like for me to do so.
First and foremost, I want you to know that I could never, ever leave you without knowing that you would have the very best care in my absence. I am leaving you with your father. He's a better mother to you than I am at times. I am beyond grateful to him for the love he shows all of you every single day, and I know that when I am not here over the next week and a half you will not be lacking one bit in the area of snuggles, and laughter, and adoration, and fun. He's a good father to you, it's just in his very marrow to be so.
But even more importantly than leaving you physically in good care, I want you to know that I could never, ever leave you without knowing that no matter what happens, no matter even if my worst fears are realized, I will absolutely see you again. And I know this with complete certainty because I am also leaving you in the loving care of our Father in heaven.
You see, leaving you with no guarantees that everything will go just as I have planned has left me really evaluating if what I believe, and if what I have been teaching you to believe, is true. I've had to ask myself if I honestly do believe that the God of the Bible, the God I love, the God I worship, is really who he says he is. I've had to dig down deep and discover for myself if I trust him when he promises that he only does good for those of us who love him, and that he has a plan for all of us, a plan to prosper and not to harm us. I needed to realize for myself that his promise to always be with me, and with you, is more than just words but the deliberate and faithful action of the living God. I needed to fully understand and ask myself if I believe in the very center of my core that my God is unchanging, and sovereign, and faithful to all generations, and is a God who once he holds you in his grasp is totally unwilling to ever let you go.
And after a lot of thought, and a lot of reflection, I can tell you with 100% honesty that if the answer to any of the above questions was a resounding 'No', there is no way I would be getting on that plane tomorrow. There is no way I could ever leave you, my most treasured possessions, without knowing that you are being watched over and cared for by a God who is who he claims to be... the most powerful, most holy, most loving, most high God. Kiddos, He is with you. He is with me. He will be with all of us over the next ten days. And that will never, can never change. He is real. He is good. He holds the whole world in his hands and has complete control over it all. He also does things that I will never understand or comprehend, things that I think are all wrong, but you know what? My lack of understanding and my questioning his actions doesn't change him. He cannot be changed. He is who he says he is. He is God. The Creator. The Crucified. The Risen Lord. The Was, and Is, and Is To Come. And that is who I am leaving my babies with, and what gives me the assurance that I will always see my babies again.
So, my loves. I'm planning on seeing you again after a wonderfully fantastic trip to Belgium where I will return with grand stories of lands beyond and beautiful pictures that your Aunt Emily will probably have taken because I'm terrible with a camera and loads and loads of chocolate eggs with toys inside. But, just in case, a few parting thoughts:
Be kind. Be kind to each other, be kind to your elders, be kind to your friends, and more importantly be kind to those who are not being very kind to you. Kindness will take you so much further in life than being driven, or being physically attractive, or having a great talent. Kindness is the key to everything in this life that is worth holding on to.
On a related note, don't be afraid of the differences in others. Look for the things that are different from you in someone and when you find them, celebrate them. Learn from them. Cherish them, because the differences are all a part of God's perfect design. Remember that it doesn't matter what people look like, or who they love, or if they react to situations and circumstances differently than you. In the Bible, when the Pharisees asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was, when they asked him what the one thing was they were to do that trumped all the others, Jesus very simply commanded them to love the Lord with all their heart and soul, and to love their neighbor as themselves. Children, if you heed these words everything else will be just semantics. It will all fall away. Just love, my children. Be kind, and love. You'll win the whole world if you do, and the one that follows.
Third, find out for yourself that God is real. He is, I promise you. And you know your momma doesn't promise much. But I want you to have this journey of discovery for yourselves. My own journey was curvy, and I backtracked, and I went off the path a lot, but he was faithful. He let me fall away, and then let me find him when I was ready to see him for who he was. He honored my heartfelt desire to know him, not just know about him. He saw through all my mistakes and misgivings to my heart that was searching for him and asking him to make himself real. He was there with me the whole time, but he wanted me to fight to see him. I can feel him near now. He hasn't left me since. He's worth the finding, that is one more promise I can make to you.
Lastly, just know you are loved. There is nothing any of you could ever do or could ever be that would ever change the love your father and I have for you. You are our be all and end all. You are our gifts, our hearts, our everything. I hope you can feel in your very bones my whole heart in those words, because it is there, exploding with the depth and meaning behind them.
I guess that's it for now. I'm off to do some last minute packing and laundry and then it's off to pile all of you in the car to run a few last minute errands. Momma needs her Diet Coke, you know. Some things about me will never change, either. :)
So this will be goodbye for now. I look forward to seeing you on the other side. It's going to be great.
All my heart always,
Momma
