In the Goodbye of Things

Well kiddos, we're down to one more day. One day until momma boards a plane and heads across the ocean to visit your Uncle Michael and his family. You and me, we've been counting down for awhile now. You've been counting down the days with dread, I've been counting them down with a pretty even mixture of all-out excitement and full-on anxiety.

I've never been away from you all for so long before. Nine whole days without kissing your cheeks, holding your hand, feeling one or the other or all of you pressed up against me as we read our stories. It's going to be so strange not having direct access to the physical beings of you, and I will miss it. I miss you all already, and I have a direct line of vision on three out of the four of you as I write this. Your little brother is out of my eyesight sleeping, but I know shortly I will hear his sweet little boy voice calling out my name to come free his tiny, still-warm, bed-headed body out of his crib-cage.

And it is in this place of expectation and facing the unknown of what lies before me that I wanted to write down some of my thoughts. In my head I know that there is a 99.9% chance that nothing unforeseen will happen while I am away, but there is still that 0.1% chance that my heart just won't let go of, and I need to allow myself to walk through that fear and let you see what it looks like for me to do so.

First and foremost, I want you to know that I could never, ever leave you without knowing that you would have the very best care in my absence. I am leaving you with your father. He's a better mother to you than I am at times. I am beyond grateful to him for the love he shows all of you every single day, and I know that when I am not here over the next week and a half you will not be lacking one bit in the area of snuggles, and laughter, and adoration, and fun. He's a good father to you, it's just in his very marrow to be so.

But even more importantly than leaving you physically in good care, I want you to know that I could never, ever leave you without knowing that no matter what happens, no matter even if my worst fears are realized, I will absolutely see you again. And I know this with complete certainty because I am also leaving you in the loving care of our Father in heaven.

You see, leaving you with no guarantees that everything will go just as I have planned has left me really evaluating if what I believe, and if what I have been teaching you to believe, is true. I've had to ask myself if I honestly do believe that the God of the Bible, the God I love, the God I worship, is really who he says he is. I've had to dig down deep and discover for myself if I trust him when he promises that he only does good for those of us who love him, and that he has a plan for all of us, a plan to prosper and not to harm us. I needed to realize for myself that his promise to always be with me, and with you, is more than just words but the deliberate and faithful action of the living God. I needed to fully understand and ask myself if I believe in the very center of my core that my God is unchanging, and sovereign, and faithful to all generations, and is a God who once he holds you in his grasp is totally unwilling to ever let you go.

And after a lot of thought, and a lot of reflection, I can tell you with 100% honesty that if the answer to any of the above questions was a resounding 'No', there is no way I would be getting on that plane tomorrow. There is no way I could ever leave you, my most treasured possessions, without knowing that you are being watched over and cared for by a God who is who he claims to be... the most powerful, most holy, most loving, most high God. Kiddos, He is with you. He is with me. He will be with all of us over the next ten days. And that will never, can never change. He is real. He is good. He holds the whole world in his hands and has complete control over it all. He also does things that I will never understand or comprehend, things that I think are all wrong, but you know what? My lack of understanding and my questioning his actions doesn't change him. He cannot be changed. He is who he says he is. He is God. The Creator. The Crucified. The Risen Lord. The Was, and Is, and Is To Come. And that is who I am leaving my babies with, and what gives me the assurance that I will always see my babies again.

So, my loves. I'm planning on seeing you again after a wonderfully fantastic trip to Belgium where I will return with grand stories of lands beyond and beautiful pictures that your Aunt Emily will probably have taken because I'm terrible with a camera and loads and loads of chocolate eggs with toys inside. But, just in case, a few parting thoughts:

Be kind. Be kind to each other, be kind to your elders, be kind to your friends, and more importantly be kind to those who are not being very kind to you. Kindness will take you so much further in life than being driven, or being physically attractive, or having a great talent. Kindness is the key to everything in this life that is worth holding on to.

On a related note, don't be afraid of the differences in others. Look for the things that are different from you in someone and when you find them, celebrate them. Learn from them. Cherish them, because the differences are all a part of God's perfect design. Remember that it doesn't matter what people look like, or who they love, or if they react to situations and circumstances differently than you. In the Bible, when the Pharisees asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was, when they asked him what the one thing was they were to do that trumped all the others, Jesus very simply commanded them to love the Lord with all their heart and soul, and to love their neighbor as themselves. Children, if you heed these words everything else will be just semantics. It will all fall away. Just love, my children. Be kind, and love. You'll win the whole world if you do, and the one that follows.

Third, find out for yourself that God is real. He is, I promise you. And you know your momma doesn't promise much. But I want you to have this journey of discovery for yourselves. My own journey was curvy, and I backtracked, and I went off the path a lot, but he was faithful. He let me fall away, and then let me find him when I was ready to see him for who he was. He honored my heartfelt desire to know him, not just know about him. He saw through all my mistakes and misgivings to my heart that was searching for him and asking him to make himself real. He was there with me the whole time, but he wanted me to fight to see him. I can feel him near now. He hasn't left me since. He's worth the finding, that is one more promise I can make to you.

Lastly, just know you are loved. There is nothing any of you could ever do or could ever be that would ever change the love your father and I have for you. You are our be all and end all. You are our gifts, our hearts, our everything. I hope you can feel in your very bones my whole heart in those words, because it is there, exploding with the depth and meaning behind them.

I guess that's it for now. I'm off to do some last minute packing and laundry and then it's off to pile all of you in the car to run a few last minute errands. Momma needs her Diet Coke, you know. Some things about me will never change, either. :)

So this will be goodbye for now. I look forward to seeing you on the other side. It's going to be great.

All my heart always,
Momma

Jesus In My Minivan

My dearest Eliza,

I want to tell you something. Actually, I'm going to tell you a story. It's nothing you don't already know, seeing as it happened to you, but it's something I need to write down here so that it is never forgotten. I never want to forget it, and I surely don't want it to ever become just an ancient part of your history.

Two nights ago it was a typical Monday night around these parts. Your Dad had gotten home from the farm with about 30 seconds to spare before you, me, and Dana rushed out the door for our weekly Bible Study Fellowship. I noticed you had taken with you one of the laminated cards from Sunday School which had the verses you were supposed to be memorizing typed upon it. We were also memorizing these verses at home for school, and you were doing a really good job of committing them to memory. The Scripture passage on the card was this one:

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

You read the card over a couple times, asked me if you could read it to me once, and then again. And then when you were making one more pass at it the most awesome thing that will ever happen to you in your entire life happened to you. And I had the privilege of witnessing it.

Honey, Jesus came and plunked himself right down next to you in that car and introduced himself.

As I was watching you in the rear view mirror, I can't even explain it, but there was suddenly a change in your whole demeanor. You went from just reciting your memory verse to emphatically telling me how much you love Jesus, and how you'll never stop loving Jesus, and how you wanted to tell him that right now. So I encouraged you to do so, and when I looked back at you again there you were, eyes closed tight, hands clasping each other, smiling the brightest smile, face tilted up towards the sky talking to Jesus like you two were the only people in the world. After you said amen, your eyes met mine in the rear view mirror and the pure joy that radiated out of them could have only come straight from inside your soul. For the rest of the ride you kept telling me, over and over again, how you have never been so happy, and how this was the best day of your life. For the most part I kept quiet and simply told you how happy I was that you were so happy, partly because the moment was just so much bigger than me, and partly because I didn't want to put my measly human words to what you were experiencing. I wanted you to just live in that moment and to get as much out of it as you could without it being explained and rationalized away.

You literally skipped into BSF that night, and while we were singing the introductory hymns you told me once more how happy you were. And I knew by the look on your face that it had nothing to do with anything I had done, or anything anyone else had done. There was only one reason for that look in your eyes. That was 'Jesus Joy', sweet girl.

That night before you went to bed I did make a point of talking to you about what had happened. I didn't want to say anymore than I needed to, because again it was your experience, and I wanted it to stay yours without me putting my own feelings into your heart. But I did tell you how excited I was about what had happened. I told you that the happiness you had felt that night was a special, true happiness that can only come when Jesus fills your heart. And I told you that I never, ever wanted you to forget that feeling, because that's how Jesus always wants us to feel. He always wants us to experience the pure joy that comes from being in a relationship with him. You nodded and smiled and got excited all over again, and repeated again to me how you had never, ever been that happy before.

Sweetheart, that will surely be one of the most significant moments of your life. My prayer is that this one moment is just the very beginning of a lifetime of moments similar to it. And I can also say in all honesty that other than the day you were born that was hands-down the best parenting moment I have ever had with you. Of course there have been other phenomenal ones, but this day was different. This day God answered my most fervent prayer and fulfilled my deepest desire for you. Since the very day I found out you were a part of my life I have just wanted you to know him. And he reminded me that it is not up to me to make sure that this happens. It is not up to me whether or not you will ever truly love him. I can't force you to want to be in a relationship with him. No, it turns out he doesn't need me for any of that. He already loves you more than I am even capable of, he has chosen you, and he will use a power much greater than my own to call you close to him. And Monday night that power involved using his very own words from his very own Word to soften your heart and open it enough that he could enter in and make his home there. And baby girl, you welcomed him with open arms.

With all the worrying that I do about you kids, that night gave me the freedom to breathe the biggest sigh of relief, because I realized that I really don't need to worry anymore. He has you. He's with you. No matter what happens to you or to me he is never, ever going to leave you. And I think part of the reason that I was allowed to witness what happened with you was his way of gently reminding me of his promise to love you more than I ever could, and assuring me that I can rest easily and peacefully in his faithfulness. Last week we all memorized my favorite verse, and never did it hit so closely to my heart as it did when I repeated it for the first time following this event. In Isaiah 43:1 we are told to "Fear not, I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine". And you are mine, my Liza, but even more so and always and forever you are his.

And this is why I'm recording it here. I'm recording it here for you to look back on someday and hopefully recall that moment and those feelings you had when Jesus first made himself known to you. I'm also recording it here so that anytime I question where he is in your life, anytime I undoubtedly wonder if you really do love him, anytime you do things I don't approve of and I worry if Jesus has been put on the back burner, I can read this over again. I can be brought back to those few minutes in our messy ol' minivan when Jesus was right there with us, making his unmistakable mark on your life. I can hold dear that precious time when he chose to make himself real to you and he let me watch it unfold. I can see in my mind's eye the very moment when my Jesus became your Jesus. May this be just the beginning of an astoundingly, significantly, and eternally beautiful friendship.

Love always, Momma