My Third Enters Her Fourth

Dear Cora Dean,

No more sleeps sweetie, it's your birthday!!! You have been so excited for this day to arrive, and so ready to finally be four years old. I am happy that your special day has at last made its way to you, and we get the chance to set apart some time during these busy summer days to focus on and dote on our precious baby girl.

 

You've had such a big year this past year. You are almost unrecognizable from the three year old we celebrated last summer. You have grown and changed tremendously, and I feel as if we are just now starting to get a glimpse of the little girl and the young lady you will grow into as the years go on. You have stepped out of your sisters' shadows, and have figured out that you are a person in and of yourself with opinions that matter, your own likes and dislikes, and your own preferred way of doing things. Of course along with this comes the inevitable clashes with those of us around you as we, too, accept that you no longer can be expected to do/wear/eat something simply because we tell you to. But there is an inherent grace in you that allows us the room to figure out your new boundaries with the confidence that you will love us no matter what, even when we temporarily disregard those boundaries and forget that you are a unique individual with unique needs and desires.

As I sit here reflecting on you, it cannot be helped that my thoughts drift naturally to happiness. When you came into my life I was in a dark time. Papa had just died a few months prior, and I was still lost in the grief that accompanied his passing. I was trying to find my footing again, trying to figure out what life on earth was going to mean without him in it, trying to get a grip on something real that would bring me back joy. And I believe that when God created you he did so knowing the dynamic of the time you would come, knowing what this family needed, knowing what I needed, and knowing that you would be just the child to fulfill those needs. You brought genuine joy with you. You brought me the ability to smile from the inside-out again, the ability to focus on something good, and the ability to remember that God gives amazing blessing even as we question him about astounding loss. You were my covenant from him reminding me that he was here with me, taking care of me and loving me, and still filling my life with sweetness and promise.

There are still times when I think about your middle name, the same middle name you share with your Papa, and if I allow myself to sit in that moment for too long it inevitably becomes unbearable to me that your Papa doesn't know you, that he hasn't seen how incredible you are, that I haven't heard him say aloud this name which was chosen to honor him and fits you so well. But then when I move past that moment I can rest easily and peacefully in the one that follows. For this moment is in the today, and it is full of the gift of you. This moment overflows with faithfulness and the reassurance of sunshine following a storm. You are my sunshine, dear girl. You are my light. You are my daybreak and my high noon and my magnificent, spectacular, never-to-be-duplicated sunset. From the very instant you were born you scattered the darkness and shined a beacon of hope into every corner of my heart. And you have been on repeat every day since. Every morning when you open your eyes your first inclination is to seek me out, spider-monkey your way up into my arms and meld your body against my beating heart. It's as if you know that was a place you healed once, and that simply the very presence of you against me is enough to guard against old wounds. And you are right. I treasure these minutes with you, and find myself seeking out your sunshine every morning as well.

My prayer for you as you enter into your next year is twofold. The first part is that you continue to discover who you are outside of being the youngest of three sisters. I have a special affinity for you, my fellow "third daughter", and know how easily it can be to mold yourself into the shape of one of the sisters that precedes you. I grew up an individual in that I was independent and self-sufficient enough to face the world rather easily and bravely on my own, but I also internalized probably too much the preferences and point-of-views of my older sisters, and didn't develop the courage and the knowledge to figure out who I really was until much, much later in life. I pray that God reveals to you early on that you are different from everyone around you, that he made you special in the best way imaginable, and that he set aside gifts and talents that are yours and yours alone with a plan tailored specifically to you just because you're you, and you're awesome. You are a masterpiece made with the utmost care by the same God who made this miraculous world you live in, and because of this you are perfection.

The second part of my prayer for you this year is that as you continue to learn more and more about the world around you, and as you begin to understand the complexities and beauty of life, that in the middle of all of that you will be befriended by Jesus. I will pray that you are drawn to him, and that you are full of conviction that he is real, and he is good, and he loves you. I will pray that your heart is open to having him make his home there, and that you desire and treasure the God who created you. He is everything you need everyday, sweet girl. Everything.

I am very excited to see what this next year has in store for you. Part of me wants to freeze you and your munchkin voice and your spindly little arms and legs just as they are, but the other part of me is full of curiosity as to the person waiting for you on the other side of your fourth year. I don't know her fully yet, but I do know already that she is funny, and she is strong, and her smile can heal me, and she is a wonder to be enjoyed and embraced every single day.

I love you, my baby girl. So, so  much. I love you with a love that overflows with the light you brought into my life. May God bless you over and over and always, today and forevermore.

Love,
Momma